Because Of Him

      I was talking to my friend after school today and we were talking about high school crushes. I have "the boy talk" with almost every girl but today was different, and it had me thinking. How powerful can these feelings be ? This friend of mine was bullied and unhappy for awhile, but because of this guy, she was at least a little more happy. She kept telling herself that he would want a girl who is happy, fun, and who doesn't cry. I stopped caring if this crush will like her back or not, and whether or not he's good boyfriend material or not for the first time, because I was glad that even though this guy has a girlfriend and my friend is quite upset because of that, they are friends and he is basically supporting her. She is happy and staying strong because of him. Even though I am a little concerned because this kind of support can be weak, it still sounds so romantic and dreamy.

      It's like those movies where a person is changed forever because of love. It's like those stories where they are finally happy because of each other. It's pathetic and sad, and if you look deeper into this love, the thought of waiting to meet that person who will change you and help you go through your problems, the thought of being friends with your crush and just waiting for him to see that you're the one who cares about him the most, and then the thought of seeing your crush getting into a relationship but you can't do anything because you're his friend shows that it doesn't always turn out. You know what sucks the most for high school crushes ? You get busy and stressed out with school work and you forget about him, until you see him in the hallways or in the classrooms. It's the excitement and the happy feelings that eventually leads us to sadness and loneliness. Love keeps us on our toes. Love is like dancing in a rainy thunder storm. It's dangerously beautiful yet so exciting and surreal.

      Do we actually know what love is ? Well I don't, but I think my friend is in love with this guy. What even is love ? Is love what makes a person change ? Is love what makes the impossible possible ? Is love that indescribable feeling of a soul mate ? Or is love just a feeling our brain tricks us into believing ? I have mixed feelings about soul mates, to be honest. As beautiful and romantic it sound, the thought of only one out there among the seven billion people on Earth is just sad. Like why should we even bother anyway !? Everyone can have their different definitions of love and their opinion on "soul mates".

      We have to realize that this is just high school, and there's a really really small chance that we will end up with our high school sweet hearts.Crushing on a boy in high school is stressful, emotional, exciting, fun and risky, and maybe that's what teenagers need in their life. Maybe they need something to try and something to feel. 

Editor: A.B.

New Boots

     Yesterday, I was shopping with my mom in Niagara Falls and I wanted a pair of boots. I've always wanted a pair of cute leather boots, and my mom promised me a year ago that she will buy me a pair if we see any nice ones. Sure there were nice men leather boots, but I'm quite picky. I wanted a pair with a certain look and length. So all the ones I wanted were women's boots. I decided that it's okay because boots are kinda unisex and that gender is just a label. Now it's even more challenging because women's feet sizes are different from men's and I can barely find any pair that fits perfectly. Finally, just when I was about to give up, my mom found a pair cowboy boots that is still fashionable. I didn't want to take it because I wanted more of a combat boot style, but I took it because my mom was getting tired. Even though these boots fit, it's very very tight and hard to put on, and once it's on, my toes hurts and there's barely any space. I'm still happy with it because it is very cute. 

      

      This morning, when I've decided to wear it to school, I couldn't fit my feet into the boots with socks on. I was getting late for school so I didn't have time to find any other socks. That's when I made a risky decision. I wore my boots without socks. Now feet can stink after a day in boots without socks so this is very hard and embarrassing for me to do, but I did it. Well you see, after first period of class, I went into the washroom and took off my boots to see if it stink, they didn't so I was happy. My feet smelled decent and the boots still smelled like new leather. 

      But - there's always a catch isn't there - I could not get my left foot into the left boot. I tried for fifteen minutes knowing that I'm late for class. I tried so hard my arm muscles still hurt even now. I sat on the ground and gave up. I wanted to just go out barefoot but I couldn't. I have pride and I love my boots. I got up and tried again for another 10 minutes and finally I got it in. I swear it was my biggest workout since birth.

      After that, I sat in the stall for a minute and stared at my boots. Why ? I asked myself. Why do I do this to myself ? I could have just got a pair of men boots and still rocked them, and to be honest, no one really cares what I wear in school. I thought of how there's a thin line between being someone you want to be and being something you're not. It's very easy to cross the line and make a fool out of yourself. I know who I am, a homosexual boy who only will choose to wear heels for fashionable reasons and does not want to be labeled as a "drag queen". It's not that being a cross dresser or a drag queen is bad, I don't wear women's clothing just only sometimes women's shoe wear. I also believe that fashion goes beyond gender.

      This is my first pair of women's shoes and I felt like I'm making a fool out of myself. My toes are hurting, my feet are getting blisters, and it's so tight that I can't walk straight. I have tried to make myself believe that it's worth it when I say that beauty hurts and all that crap, but do I know the difference of being something I want and being something I'm not ? After all that, I'm gonna wear my boots as much as I can to break it in and hope that this is all worth it. 

Editor: A.B.

Dreams

      Are dreams just some fun fantasies we humans have in spare times or is it something meant for us to work hard on and make them come true ? I have asked a lot of adults (mostly Asians) what is their dream, but a lot of them said that they don't have one. They said they just went into whatever career they could and settled. I think it's different for North America and Europe, but back then in Asia, when my parents were kids, they didn't usually have dreams. They told me that they worked hard to get good grades, went to good schools, and did whatever jobs they found because they needed money. They needed money not only to survive, but also to support their parents.

      I always have found it a little sad not having a dream, because for me, I have been working towards my dream since I was six years old. Everything about me is about my dream career and my future. It might seem great for some people to settle down on a path so young, but it's scary. It's scary because when I finish school and this career doesn't work out, I basically will have nothing. My life will fall apart the second people tell me I don't have what it takes when I go to New York, and that is why we need plan Bs, Cs, and however many we need. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not sad not having a dream. Those adults aren't depressed, and they have raised beautiful families and are wonderful parents. Maybe their dreams were slowing building in their hearts and they didn't know it. Maybe their dreams were to become successful and support their family. Maybe they didn't want to be chained to one path. Just maybe.

      I know what's sad: when you aren't great at what you love. To be honest, I absolutely adore singing, dancing, and performing. I want to be a star. The reason I tell people I want to be a fashion designer is that I'm more talented in visual art and design. I believe that everyone has a special and beautiful talent, but what if my talent is something I like and not love ? It's scary to admit that I love singing more than fashion, because I've been working on fashion design my whole life and I'm not ready to throw that away. I was so hyped about fashion and art, and I went into it right away. Now, I'm just sad because I'm not gonna switch my path in life because it's too risky. I can't let myself lose everything. I will have to suck it up and be backstage and let the models have the spotlight.

      Maybe we all are meant to use our talents to do something great. It's okay to not be Leyoncé and perform on a stage. Maybe my role in life is to make dresses for people and make other people's dreams come true. The perfect dress and the perfect pair of shoes can make a a lot of people's dreams come true. Ask Cinderella. 

Editor: A.B.

Embracing Weaknesses

      If you know me at all, you should know that I like to call myself Elsa because I'm not scared of the cold. I like to wear shorts and flip flops in the wintertime, even when it's snowing. Today, it's very cold because of the strong freezing wind. It's not even snowing, yet but I can sense that this year's winter will be colder than last year's. So... I put on my coat, which is at the bottom of my closet by the way, and I have been able to still wear my summer clothes.

      The thing is, I am human, and I will get cold. While it's comfortable to be warm, I have always wanted to be strong, both physically and mentally. So I suck it up and make myself to not get bothered by the storm, wind, and snow. I think that those things in nature are like the bullying, fights, and sadness in our social life. I assume that if I can get through a cold storm, I can get through depression and other friendship's drama too. I might be right and this might work, but why ? Why do I so desperately want to be strong ? I'm sure I'm not the only person who doesn't want to admit their weaknesses. It may even be human nature to want to be the strongest.

      In the end, I put on my coat because I think I need to seriously calm down. It is okay to be weak sometimes and accept that you're not the strongest. Instead of covering your weaknesses, we should deal with and be smart about them, and learn how to let them help us and push us forward. It is also okay to be stubborn sometimes, to try our very best to stay strong, to have confidence, and be our very best. In the end, I did end up wearing my coat with shorts and flip flops. 

Editor: A.B.

Is Sexual Orientation A Choice ?

      Is being gay a choice, or are you born gay ? I have always wondered this, and it has been always a debate between people. I mostly avoided these types of conflicts because; first of all, people usually won't change their opinion after debates; second, I suck at debating and persuading people; and finally, people get really emotional and dramatic. Now, I think it's time to actually think and talk about it. I don't want to talk about it because of who I am, but because it is interesting and I want to know the answer. 

      It's hard though, because everyone has different opinions and thoughts about this. Some say it's genetic, some say that it's a phase or a choice, and some just say that it's not natural. I did a little research, but I'm a lazy reader, so these are just some brief theories on news and articles: 

      Scientists actually found this gene that's in these gay men that are related, but that isn't enough to prove that it's a "gay gene" because not all gay men in all families have them and also no other lesbian women have them. They have this theory that when a baby boy has older brothers, he is more likely to be gay. They say that it's because of some kind of hormones exposure from the mother to the baby, and that's more likely to happen if the mother had carried baby boys before. Others who say that it's a choice usually say that it can be influenced by how they are raised and their hobbies. Some just bring up the bible and talk about how it's naturally between women and men.

      My opinion is that it's not genetic. I think that it's the mother and child thing, because I have an older brother. I also looked at the others' perspective on how it's a choice, and I don't wanna seem too bias because of who I am. I looked into the bible, and they actually never said "homosexuality is bad". They said how lust between men is an abomination, but what about love ? Also, that was said that in the old testament, and then when the new testament was made new laws and rules were created and should be followed today. The new testament is mostly about Jesus and his teachings on acceptance and love. Plus the old testament has some things in it that don't apply to modern society, such as that slavery is okay and mixing fabrics is an abomination. There are people just say that it's a choice but can't explain or prove anything. Let me ask you a few simple questions: why the hell would we choose to be homosexual ? It would be way easier for us to live as straight people and not get bothered by things like this. Also, if it's a choice, can you choose to become homosexual right now ? Like can you just pick a person that's the same gender and just date them right away ? 

      After all, I think we all need to ask ourselves, does this really matter ? Even if it is a choice, would I stop being like this ? My answer is no. Because no matter what, the choices we make in our lifetime make us who we are. I am who I want to be, and I will stand by my choice. So what if it's not "natural" ? The diversity and the differences in people is what makes this world so beautiful, right ? 

Editor: A.B.

Lost Feelings

      Do you ever feel lost ? Lost in life, and you feel almost nothing ? You want to cry, but no tears come out and you force yourself to laugh to feel at least something. After the fun and laughter, you still feel empty, like that didn't happen at all. High school is a place where it's very easy to get lost. I wouldn't call this depression, it's much scarier than depression. It's losing yourself. I remembered someone told me that grade 10 is a year that people become lost and try to find their place in school. I didn't believe it at first. I thought to myself that I won't be like that, because I know who I am and where I'm going to be, but these days, I don't know what's happening to me. I don't even feel like going to school or meeting up with my friends, and when I meet friends, I mostly get angry, upset, and offended easily. I can't even remember how many diva fights I've gotten into the last few weeks.

      I don't think I need to change at all. I think I just need to find who I am again. If I don't, I will hurt a lot of the people who loves and supports me. Maybe the reason why I'm finding all these troubles is my desperation to feel. Is it worth it to lose a friend just to feel emotions again ? I need to find a different approach.

      When I become more dramatic and sassy, the more empty I feel sometimes. It's becoming more and more fake, like acting. I know I can't act my way through life. The question is, why ? Where is the emptiness even coming from ? I know I have a lot on my mind right now, but these thoughts have been bothering me for months so I don't know why this thing has only been happening for a few days. I'm upset about Italy, not getting a job, not sewing, and not doing well with my arts courses. The Italy thing and the job search I don't even wanna talk about, but not sewing and designing is just me being tired and not motivated. I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed every day after school. 

      I made a big fuss about feeling not good enough in my artistic areas with my friends, and they assured me that I'm doing good. I dropped the problem because it's even annoying me that I keep saying I suck. The truth is, I still don't think I'm good enough, and it surprises me how I don't even care anymore. It seems like I have more confidence now, but I just kinda tell myself that it's okay to suck. It doesn't matter if my vocal or visual art is good or not good anymore, as long as I'm not the worst.

      I don't know what to say. I want a break from school and just sleep like bears in the winter, and maybe when I wake up, I would be happy and energetic again. 

Editor: A.B.

A Selfish Thanksgiving

      There is so much to thank for in our life. In fact, we should be thankful for almost everything. Today is Thanksgiving, but I'm quite ungrateful these days. You see, there is this trip to Italy for the arts' program students at my school in March break, and my family can't afford for me to go. I have been trying to find a job, but my parents say that even if I have a job, they still can't let me go. It's a huge amount of money, I know, but I just want to go so badly !

      Well, my family already went to Taiwan this summer and we just finished our basement. Also we are going to Florida during Christmas break. This year is like our big luxury year. I also did a lot of shopping this year, so I will seem like a spoiled brat if I whine about Italy... but everyone wants things and it's human nature to want. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I am just so thankful for everything they do for me, it's just sad and unfortunate to not go. Come on ! It's Italy !!!

      Imagine the art, the architecture, and the cute Italian guys... Italy isn't anything like New York City, but it's definitely one of the most fabulous and fashionable places ever. I know that I am selfish, and I'm ashamed of saying that I'm selfish. I want to be selfless but I just can't. Everything I want is hard to get. NYC, Parsons, Chanel...everything in fashion is expensive. It sucks but that's reality. Money is important in the world we live in, not only for luxury, but also to survive.

      I'm also jealous, jealous of those people who don't want the same things as I do. Some just want to finish college here in town I live in, get a nice job, and have a cute family, which is simple and realistic. Mine, is not only barely affordable, but also not very realistic in terms of success, but I guess that's the future. Right now, I think we all just need to be happy with what we have in our lives. If we are not happy with our lives, we either need to find the positive things and deal with the negative, or just ask ourselves, "are we not happy because we are not satisfied ? Do we want too much ?" Because having too much can sometimes make us lose ourselves.

      Maybe I shouldn't go to Italy at all, maybe something great will happen to me here in March. Maybe something is planned to happen that is better than Italy. Think positive people, and be grateful. 

Editor: A.B.

The First Kiss

      Why do we always care about the first kiss but not the first hug or the first holding hands moment ? Whoever made the first kiss so important probably had a beautiful, romantic experience kissing, but no, not all first kisses are romantic, cute, or beautiful. Some are forced, pressured, bad-kissing, or just awful for whatever reason. So is this first kiss still important ?

      For me, yes. Yes, because I can be a very romantic person and I want that romance. Some people won't believe this, but I'm actually not a very sexual person. Sure I'm comfortable with talking about sex and people tell me things all the time, I joke about it a lot, and I can come up with the dirtiest jokes ever. Will I actually do it anytime soon ? No. Not only because currently I have no one to do anything with, but also I believe in romance. Don't everyone believe in romance ? It's just very easy to mix up romance and sex, and people can get confused.

      As a person who hasn't got his first kiss yet, I can dream about what my first kiss will be like all I want. Still, dreaming about  it can lead to having too many expectations, and then everything will suck if it doesn't happen the way you expect it to. So, we have to be careful... but I think it's great to dream about it. Wanting that first kiss to be like fireworks, and the blush, the pounding heart and the excitement of what's gonna happen next. The moment when it feels like the whole world stops, and you are the only person he cares about. That feeling when you look at each other and see the reflection of yourself, and feel that you're loved. The spark you feel between each other. I even have a fantasy. It's in the winter (that's my favorite season) and everything is white and snowy around us. I love the cold by the way if you don't know me... I can feel his warmth and I'm okay with it. The kiss is gentle but passionate. It feels like the kiss lasts for years but it was just a few seconds... ISN'T THIS CUTE !!!???

      I'm embarrassed... No ! Don't ever be afraid to dream people ~ That's the beauty of imagination: there's always that possibility to come true. I am a little scared because I know a few people's experiences with first kiss and it's not that good. I think we can't be afraid though, even if the first time is bad. If we are with someone we really like, every kiss can feel like it's the first. Tips for all guys out there : don't ask your dad for kissing tips and tell your girlfriend about how your dad taught you this. Also don't ever forced it, let it naturally happen.

      Shout out to the girl who gave me the topic idea, you know who you are ~ <3 If you even read this lol... Love you xoxo

      

Bold

      Sometimes in fashion, we have to take risks. It's hard to take risks, but we know deep inside that it is the right thing to do. Taking risks leads up to being bold and special, and it makes you stand out from the crowd. It can be scary, but it's also great for the attention. There's just one thing: when your bold, like me, people either love you or hate you. Recently someone who I don't even know made me question my taste in fashion. They were mean and used some offensive words and it got to me somehow.

      I have been through bullying and I survived. I would like to think that I'm strong and those little things should not get to me at all, but the things they said got to me, and I just understood why. I was bullied for who I am, but I wasn't alone, and I had many many great friends to support me and my sexual orientation. This time, I'm alone. No one really understands it, and some people even laughed when I told them what happened. Fashion is a big part of me and it really concerns me when some stranger on the internet can do that to me. Sure, I can have bad fashion days, but I think it's okay to experiment and take risks.

      I believe that if we humans never take risks, we will never make mistakes, and we need those mistakes to let us be better and work harder towards our goals. I know that I need to take risks to become who I want to be. To be seen in this world, you either have to be the best or be very different. I know I can never be the best designer, but I can be the unique, fabulous one.

      That hater needs to understand that everyone's fashion sense is different and that fashion goes beyond gender and race. I shouldn't even be bothered, but I think that it isn't fair that that person's account is just collages of red lips, celebrities, and shoes. I actually have designs and art on mine. She has no right to shame me or to put anyone down like that. Be nice people, BE NICE. I think even though I can be very sassy and seem like a diva all the time, I can also be humble. I never think of myself as the best artist or a designer, so being shamed on a social media isn't fair. I don't deserve this. No one does.

      Sorry if I'm venting... but after all, no one should ever be afraid to be bold and different. Think creatively and be who you want to be. 

Editor: A.B.

The Art of Speech

      My favorite author once wrote, "You are what you say" and this is correct. I don't think a lot of us understand or realize that how powerful our words are. When a person complains about life a lot, people think that they're whiny. When a person swear all the time, people will think that that person is rude. On the other hand, if a person says thank you a lot and compliments people daily, others will think of this person a nice and polite being. Speech and words can also be used in a negative way, like insults and bullying. Maybe words and sounds might not be the most important part of us, but it sure does influence what others may think of us. 

      I swear sometimes, usually with jokes. I do think I can work on it, but what makes it acceptable is the attitude. Words can be heard differently based on your tone of sound and your attitude. If I say something bad in a funny way, I need to make sure that people actually laugh and not get offended. It's hard because everyone's different, and everyone has a different taste in jokes and different limits to jokes. I often apologize right away when I feel like someone isn't happy with what I've said.

      I can not stand when people joke about death and suicide. I sometimes say, "Don't talk to me hun, I'm having a bad day and I might strangle everybody," but I almost never say that anymore. People annoy me when they joke and say, "go die." Maybe it's just that I don't get along with the person who said it, but I think he really needs to have better tastes in jokes. When you aren't respectful to the people around you with your jokes, you seem like you're rude, uneducated, and tasteless. I do think that jokes and being funny is a talent and it is an art of speech. 

      Mastering the art of speech is VERY IMPORTANT !!! Everywhere, humans are communicating with words. So learning how to speak is basically learning how to socialize. If we don't know what to say and often say the wrong things, we can lose friends, get into trouble in school, and might even make our future boss or workmates dislike us. I have three simple tips for learning the art of speech: be classy, be thoughtful, and observe the other person's expressions when you say something.  

Love

      So I recently bought two new books about love, relationships, break ups, and all that stuff. I really love it, and yeah my friends made a joke about how they are "Self help books"... But it's not self help (not that self help books are bad), I have never been in a relationship and I have 100% no experience with love. I would like to think of it as research, I like writing about love and heart breaks.

      I have learned so much, and I can feel a lot of the emotions and relate to them in the books. It once wrote, "You never chose to be single, maybe you are just brave enough to believe in a love that's rare and different." It's true, no one ever chose to be single, it's just that what they want hasn't come along yet. I then start to wonder, what if we believe in a love that never exists at all ? Is love something we are all waiting for our whole life ? From the moment we are born, we are loved and cared for. Independent might be something we have to be when we grow up, but once we already know how sweet and happy love feels, it can be hard to be alone.

      When break ups happen we often want to know why, and we ask questions. Do we really want to know the answers ? Does it really matter anymore ? When there's no love, are the questions even needed ? Some love is started in lies, and the only way it ends is with truth. When the truth is broken, does love mean anything anymore ? Do you people ever have that feeling where you think about them right at the moment you wake up ? The book also says that we humans are the weakest when we wake up. No matter how strong we are, we will be weak and emotional. It's before we put make-up on, before we dress up, before we can even tell ourselves to be strong and that everything is in the past now. It's when the pain hurts the most. 

      Break ups are easy, it's a goodbye, a farewell, but it's letting go that is the painful and hard part. Everywhere you go and everything you do reminds you of them. That's how haunting love can be. It's all about the point of view of love. We used to think that whoever loves us the most is the best, but the deeper we look, we begin to understand that the person who believes in the same love as us is the best to be with.

      "Loving him shouldn't be letting him become who he is, it's to let him BE who he is" the book also wrote. I, as a 15 year old boy with no love or relationship experience, can't say if anything that I've read or think is true or not. So if anyone would like to ever talk to me about or tell me their thoughts on love, experiences and heart breaks, that will be great. It can be like an interview thingy. I think that's part of writing, researching and thinking about what others feel and how we as writers personally feel.

Editor: A.B.

A Love that can Never be Heard

      If you know the original version of The Little Mermaid, not the Disney version, you will know that the ending is not happy at all. The mermaid gave up her voice for a pair of legs, and she became friends with the prince, but the prince fell in love with someone else. The mermaid jumped off the ship and became bubbles in the ocean.

      Some people's favorite love story is Romeo & Juliet, and some people's are other Disney princess' stories. My favorite love story is The Little Mermaid, but the original without the happy ending. Why ? I don't really know either... It just has been my favorite all along. It's realistic and it has taught me to know that love can be blinding, and that you can give everything up for a person but not receive any happiness back. As a kid, and now still a little, I've always dreamed about love in a romantic, fancy way, like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. A part of me knew that my love will probably be more like the mermaid story. The mermaid, she was so selfless, loving and brave. It surprises me every time when I think about this, because who can love like that !? I don't know if I will ever find somebody I love so much that I'd be willing to do that for them. I don't even know if that kind of love even exists... 

      Even when she found out that she had no chance with the prince, she didn't go back to her mermaid life or move on. She chose to become bubbles, which might symbolize "suicide" depending how you look at it. She wanted to be part of the ocean, a place where the prince loved to be. Her love was so great for him, she wanted to be with him forever even after she left, just in the form of bubbles (spirit).

      Love maybe isn't always about relationships, and maybe it's not about being known. Love can be secretly caring and supporting someone. Love needs sacrifice. Love is sometimes losing yourself. It sounds beautiful doesn't it ? I want my love to be like that. I want a love that's like the ocean, deep and dark yet beautiful and full with diversity. On that's alive and painful, warm and dramatic. That's the love I think everyone has to go through. The mermaid, I believe, would have done the same thing if she went back in time. I don't think her love is ever gonna change, and that her love is infinite. Yet the prince will never know of her sacrifice, and only feel her presence when he's out on the sea. 

Editor: A.B.