The history of yellow/orange/golden chrysanthemums dates back to China in the 15th century. The Chinese thought that the chrysanthemum flowers offered such perfection with the beautiful alignment of petals that it became the blossom of nobility. In ancient Japan, these flowers were a symbol of power and perfection, representing as the sun. Now in Asia, chrysanthemum flowers represent rebirth, especially because dried dead chrysanthemums are known to blossom again in hot water when used to make tea.
You have been born so many times, the first when your mother gave birth to you, the second when you moved to Singapore, then when to Malaysia, then again for Canada, and then finally you birthed yourself when you came out of the closet. And throughout the years of battling with mental illnesses, you've mentally killed yourself, over and over. Yet here you are, still alive. You are a survivor and a fighter. You are one of the strongest person you know, you inspire yourself. You are beautifully imperfect, amazingly flawed, you are... you.
Yes, this piece is written for me, by me, and dedicated to me. Yellow/Orange/Golden Chrysanthemums are my favourite kind of flowers, they're so beautifully complex, and the meaning of rebirth just speaks to me so personally. Symbolically I have died countless times, both emotionally and mentally. I have even tried to harm myself physically in the past as well. Yet I will survive, I will endure, and no matter how low I get, I know I will rise again. It's not an act or state of narcissism, I think we all should appreciate ourselves and look at the things we've overcome. I am so thankful for the things I've done, the steps I've taken to care and love myself better. I am also so proud of who I've become and the way I've grown. I'm excited to keep learning, to keep working, and to keep growing. It's now time to say goodbye to high school, and embrace a new chapter in life. It's scary, and I'm trying my best not to get swallowed by anxiety, but it's okay, because I can handle it. I know I can.
I have and will always be grateful for those who have loved and cared for me, because I know that being there for me isn't easy. Yet I have to show some appreciation for myself as well, because even though I'm still just learning to love myself, I've trying my very best. I put so much effort into self-care, and it's finally showing. I'm getting better, and I'll be okay. For the first time ever it seems, that I can actually believe myself when I say/write that...
I am strong. I am beautiful. I am capable. I am surviving. I, will be okay.
"Everyday, I write a poem titled 'tomorrow'. It is a handwritten list of the people I know that love me, and I make sure to put my own name at the top."
- People You May Know, Kevin Kantor
No comments:
Post a Comment