Merry Christmas - "Love Myself"

          All day yesterday, I've been trying to get myself into a happier, more Christmasy mood. I listened to Christmas songs, I jumped into an one-zie, I wore a Santa hat with a Reindeer headband, I took cute selfies, and I wished everyone on social media a Merry Christmas. It definitely helped as I really don't want to be in a bad mood on Christmas. I even bought myself hair dye because I'm ready to change up my look for the new year. And I told my mom what I wanted for Christmas. (God please make her buy it for me... It's a pair of high heel boots.) I think I'll be alright, I'm feeling better.

          So now I will explain what's up with this new guy. He and I started talking on Facebook a few days ago, he lives a little far away but not like crazy far. We met in a summer camp in grade seven, (Before I even came out as gay.) and we flirted for a few days. He told me that he is interested in me and he is a very sweet and nice guy. I am interested too to be honest, yet I'm a little afraid after what happened in grade ten with the asshole online... Now, I was a little disappointed because this guy asked for booty pictures. He is very respectful and sweet, and you know I don't think of these things as negative relationships. But, I just thought it was going a little fast and out of control. Though, I was desperate and interested, so I walked into this one with another set of hopes and expectations that I shouldn't have had. He haven't messaged me in a couple days now, and I couldn't help but to feel like I've done something wrong again. My friend said, "it's because you gave him what he wanted". And I couldn't help but wonder... Can this be possibly true ? Would a boy really try so hard and flirt with me for three days straight just to get two snaps of my butt ? Why !? Or maybe I'm just over thinking things again. It's Christmas time, he can be just really busy. And the thing is, because it's all online, I'll never know. Am I suppose to just keep myself waiting all anxious like this ? This isn't right, this isn't how I want to be...

          I don't see online flings or trading pictures as a negative situation, yet maybe it's just not for me. I get way too emotionally involved and I just care too much. It's sad though, isn't it ? There's only ever been two boys in my life time that are interested in me, and both are online flings that wanted booty pics. One ended sadly with me hurt and self conscious, and this one I don't even know what's happening. But you know what, I deserve more. If I want a relationship, a real relationship, then I deserve one. I deserve to be not left hanging wondering when's the next time he will care about me again. I deserve to be taken seriously and i definitely deserve someone who will reply to my messages and texts. I deserve to be loved.

          They aren't doing anything wrong though to be honest. This guy is perfectly fair and fine if this is all he wants (which I would totally understand and respect), but I want something more. I need something more. And I'm not going to feel sorry that I want something different. This Christmas, I'm giving myself a gift of self respect. I will love myself the way I want and deserve to be loved. Then I can finally be happy and feel loved, with myself, and by myself.

          Merry Christmas, and NEVER be sorry for loving yourself, xoxo.

Christmas Eve - "Love Yourself"

          Christmas huh ? Well, I'll tell you someone who isn't in a Christmas mood at all, this girl.

          This year has been nice, I think. I've became even more confident and strong this year and I've been more involved with the arts and exploring other arts' areas other than Visual Art. I also have kept myself quite busy studying in a Women's Literature course. Though drama has been in the air in my family, I'm barely home anyways due to my busy schedule (after school clubs & shows' rehearsals). I don't know, I just feel a little... out of place. Nothing specifically is wrong, and everything is going just fine in my life, yet I feel kinda empty. Maybe it's just because I'm not in a Christmas spirit...yet. I'm still somehow waiting for a breakthrough before 2016 pops out o nowhere. 

          As I finally get over the two remaining guys I have feelings for, I feel like I am finally becoming more realistic. I've always been so emotional and dramatic, wondering about love and dreaming about the perfect guy coming along. Now, I'm just getting angry at myself and feeling stupid. Lately, people get on my nerves easily and I no longer want to pretend that humans are flawless. For those who have noticed, I am swearing on social media quite often now. Like geez, even my best friend whom I just wrote a love Blog piece for got on my nerves for a few days. I love who I'm becoming because it feels more real, yet I couldn't help but to feel like an asshole at times... And then I get into my annoying crazy clingy mood and I annoy my friends with the phrase I keep repeating: "love me". Some ignored me, some says they do love me, but my best friend answered with nothing but a "love yourself". And I couldn't help but wonder, is it true that I still am standing right where I was a week ago ? 6 months ago ? A year ago ? How far have I really progressed to love myself and actually believe that I don't need a man in my life to be happy ? Somehow I still thinks that I would be so much happier with a relationship, yet I truly doubt that.

          I'm doing well though, just in a grumpy Christmas mood. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I have to be. Also, there's this guy... Well, I don't want to explain it now, that would be another story to tell later on. Nothing really happened, again I'm just an emotional dramatic over thinker. I swear, I'm just so done with boys right now. I'm planning on just be trans and become a lesbian. (girls are cool !)

          Merry Christmas Eve, and stay fabulous ! - also stay off my nerves, you don't wanna mess with me this week.

          

Soul Mate

          Dear Kate,

          Happy 16th Birthday.

          "Soul mate, two little words, one big concept. A belief that someone somewhere is holding the key to your heart...and your dream house." - Sex and The City

          Darling, you are my Soul Mate. I really think so, because you're the first that has really made me feel loved, and worthy of love. You are everything to me, and there's no doubt in my mind that you deserve everything as well. You make my days brighter, my smiles sweeter, my laughter louder, my mind clearer, my heart warmer, and my life happier. Sometimes I don't even think you understand how beautiful and perfect you are, because you can never see what I see or feel how you make me feel. But please to always remember, that you deserve absolutely everything. You have made me feel so special, and have thought me so much of life and the world. You're the first to call me a "she" and a "lady", you're the first to understand me when I'm trying to hide away, you're the first to say that I deserve to be treated well like every other human being, you're the first to say that I'm one of the most intelligent people you know, you're the first to have said that you prefer pictures of me unedited and unfiltered, and you are the first to have ever looked at my bare body and told me that I'm beautiful. I know for a fact that I would not be the same today without you.

          Remember when you disliked me in the ninth grade when we first met ? I don't blame you, I was not really a good person back then. I was a little annoying, fake, insecure, clingy, and way too loud for one to handle. For some reason, we still clicked and you've changed me for the better. I would like to think of you as an angel sent from Heaven above to fix me. It's true though, you really have changed me for good. You are an influence that's powered through love and intelligence. You didn't understand me, yet you wanted to, and then you did. So I've accepted the love you've given, and hopefully have also been loving you the way you deserved to be loved.

          Though It's like a drug, the more love I accept from you, the more dependent I am on you. So I do try to be a little more independent, as I do know that even if you love me forever, I can never fully love myself being dependent on your support. Yet you've helped me so much with self love and seeing myself in a whole new way, that I really don't know how to thank you. You are kind, intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, logical, open-minded, loving, caring, and so much more. You are basically a perfect human being to me. And I know we always joke about being a couple, and I know this blog piece couldn't possibly get more cheesy, but I do love you so much that I would actually marry you. (Though an open marriage, because I'm sorry I still like men.) 

          I have no doubt that you will continue to grow as a beautiful young woman and have a fairly bright future, and I'm honored to be part of your journey. I wish to be in the rest of your journey, I wish we can be a forever, an infinite. And your have already promised me a forever, by your infinite amount of love shared and given. Our friendship, along with our love, shall never change, and never end. We are infinite. 

          You accept the Love you think you Deserve, but baby, you deserve Everything.

          

Reclaiming Myself: A Mirror

I am a mirror.

          I am a mirror, as I aspire myself to reflect the image of perfection everyday. I reflect on the others around me and I only make myself see the traits of perfection in others that I wish to obtain. I am never good enough, perfect enough, or worthy enough. I feel like I'm here only for the world, as I change myself to meet other's liking to reach for their approval. How can I know who I really am, and what my real self is when I'm only a certain way for the people around me. If there's no one with me, I am nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm in my room, wondering who I am, searching endlessly for an answer that doesn't exist at all. I smile for the others to smile, I laugh for the others to laugh, I stand proudly to inspire others, and I cry to show sympathy for others. Who am I ? A mirror, that's it. Just a Mirror.

          But I need to live, and breakthrough. If I am really a man/woman trapped being the mirror, I need to reform and reconstruct myself. Rather than a mirror, I want to be more of a sponge. I want to be able to absorb the beauty and the positive traits of perfection I find in others and reform it as a real personality for myself. I want to no longer look at others and feel unworthy and not as beautiful or talented. I want to finally love and accept myself for the self that I am or anything that I wish to become.

          I wish to be a butterfly, that just because I'm not born out of beauty, I spread my wings even more and transform into the beauty I aspire to be. I wish to be a mermaid, that by not letting the society's standards limit me, I am free. I wish to just be a human being, that is flawed and still aspire to reach for the state of perfection, pushing my limits and allowing me to take risks. I wish to be living, that fills myself with energies and emotions, and like writing a novel, filling my days with colourful and exciting stories. 

          I want to be just me.

Reclaiming Myself: Fat

I am... Fat.

          Fat: "(of a person or an animal) having a large amount of excess flesh."

          Now that is actually one of the most hurtful yet simple word in English. Three simple letters, yet they come with a lot of meanings that are attached there by our society. First of all, "Fat" is not an emotion or a look, I don't think that we should be able to feel fat or look fat. It just doesn't make sense. I know many people that has many fat percentages in their body yet do not look like the stereotypical "fat image" we as a society have created. Feeling fat is just submitting ourselves to the societal standards of beauty.

          There is no real life version of an ideal body, just like how there is no absolute perfection. Beauty exists, but much like morality, it's subjective. We humans are born to construct our own realities, but after influenced by the media, we submit our constructions to the standards set by society.

          I'm really trying to learn to love my body, trying to reconstruct my standards and my reality to redefine what beauty means to me. I may be fat, but I don't have to feel fat. I want to feel fabulous. So I will be honest with you all, and to be honest I don't know why I tell all my secrets on my blog. I guess take it as a thank you for being interested enough to read on gift, and also because I want to love myself. I think we all need to be honest with ourselves first, before trying to love. My current weight is about 93kg which is 205 pounds. Me after my diet(which ended in September btw) was 91kg which is just a little over 200 pounds. To be honest, this isn't that hard as there are plenty more things in my life that are even more difficult to write about than my weight but It sounds scary when it's put into pounds, so I try my best to stay in the kilograms. I think we all need to remind ourselves that it's just a number, and that what's more important is our mental health, physical health, and who we are as human beings. Yes of course I understand being over weight is not the healthiest, but that's why I will try to excise more and eat healthier. I will when I have the time to slow down, and actually be healthy the right way.

          We don't have to be afraid of a number, or an image. I think we all need to know that we can be beautiful no matter what size we are. Beauty is more about what's on the inside. I know it's cheesy, but it's true. We just can't let society do this anymore, I find it disgusting that some even think that they should have a say in what's beautiful and what's not. We need to fight back, and reclaim our bodies. We own them, and we should love them. After all, we need to live with, look at, and sleep in them every day and every night.

          I must not be afraid. 

Editor K.L.S

Reclaiming Myself: Feminist

A Feminist, I am a Feminist.

          Feminist: "a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes."

          To this day, even with so much involvement in the Feminist movement and coverage with in our society, people are still refusing to call themselves Feminists. I've always considered myself a Feminist, but after studying in Women's Literature and looking deeper into history and the meaning of Feminism, I am here to reclaim this identity.

          I have this friend who didn't consider herself as a Feminist, she said she believed in equality yet she was afraid because of the backlash and the bad name our society has given to us Feminists. I say, if you don't call yourself a Feminist, don't say you believe in equality of the sexes, because it makes no sense to not support something when you believe in the meaning of it. We must no longer let media label Feminism as something angry and ugly. We need to reclaim this word, and show the world it's true definition, we need to be the change.

          I understand it's just a label, what really matters is people's support and state of mind, but when the name creates such a backlash and the generation of such misleading opinions, the label matters. We who know the true definition of Feminism have to be the change. It doesn't matter how small we are, it doesn't matter how little our voices seem. What matters is that we're speaking out, we're owning our voice, and we're claiming our power. I wear heels because I support Drag culture, anti-discrimination for the LGBTQ community, and believe that we should all be able to express who we are and identify ourselves freely. I wear heels to show support. I know I'm only one person, but sometimes it just takes one person to start a revolution. If we support something yet stay quiet, we're submitting ourselves to the backlash against Feminism and silently agreeing with the wrongful portrayal of it in with in the media. We must claim our power and stand up for what is right.

          We cannot be afraid.

Editor K.L.S

Reclaiming Myself: Faggot

          A Faggot, how do you feel when someone calls you a Faggot ?

          Faggot: "a male homosexual/a bundle of sticks or twigs used as fuel for a fire".

          It can be used as slang, as an insult, an offensive comment, a funny comment, a trigger word...etc. But it can also be just a word. Now I understand the shameful use of this word and how it can trigger negative feelings or memories for many people in the LGBTQ community, including me. Yet I think for me at least, I am ready to reclaim this word.

          If you call me a "Faggot", I would first chuckle, then kindly ask what do you mean by that exactly. If you meant by a homosexual male, I would love to respond with, "Yes, yes I am, now how may I help you?". And if you meant it by calling me a bundle of sticks, I would laugh because that makes no sense at all. See, not really an insult to me if the word means a homosexual male, since this is what I am as a human being. I think I have the right to take ownership and control over the word, and not accept the hate that comes with the definition of who I am. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word or the definition itself, so I will not let this word, that I believe has a beautiful meaning, be destroyed and used by society.

          I am not ashamed of my sexuality and I will stand my ground to stay true to my identity. I will not give up my power nor will I submit to society's attack against people like me through claiming the definition of this word. I refuse to give in to hate, so they no longer have the power to use the definition of who I am to attack me. I will claim my rights, my freedom, and my identity. This is me not allowing haters to hate, and not giving into their traps and their methods of hurting the LGBTQ community. 

          I am not afraid.

Editor: K.L.S

      

Sheltered: Light & Dark Part 3 - Shine

 

          When it comes to people, I look at it as the fact that we're all stars in the sky. We are all stars shining, sometimes we burn out, and that's when others shine into our lives. Sometimes we accept some of the lights being shined into us, sometimes we don't. It seems a little unappreciative that we stars even select those lights being sent to us, selecting the love and care we are often offered. But the truth is, not every star loves the light and attention it's being given, and some are just not shining bright enough to share their lights with others. Some aren't even seen, and some are trying their best to be seen. I myself have been a bright star for the past few years now... and I wish I could start over.

          I was never my own, I was a small shining star who was happy and balancing between the brightness and darkness within myself, but then I was darkened. I believed we all were, there will be a day when you start to look around and notice the other stars and caring more and more about the balance of your light, listening to the expectations and the "standard lighting rules" in our sky. I was about five when I started to notice to the dress codes for boys, the colours boys are allow to like, the actions and gestures boys are suppose to have, and the toys boys are allow to play with...etc. I was different, and I tried not to show my lights as they came in different shades and colours. I felt judged as the stars sparkled and blinked like eyes watching my every move. I stood out, and I was ashamed.

          After years of denying my true colours, I slowly learned to accept myself again as I accepted the lights being shined into me by some of the most beautiful and caring stars I've met. I've became more confidence and loving as now I try to shine my lights as far and bright as possible to every star and every dark corner I could see. Yet this isn't the real me either. I've developed a character to be loved and shine, to be seen, and to prove that I'm no longer afraid. But I still am, now I'm more afraid of letting go of this flaming star I've put on, I'm afraid of being weak. It's tiring though, because not every star needs and wants your light, not every star can love your shine. Some stars will judge me, misunderstand me, and even hate me. But the saddest thing is, almost no stars can see or seem to understand the real me after all these years. I don't think I know how to turn the shine off anymore...

          I want to start over, I want to first turn my shine inwards a little to light myself up, to warm myself up, and to discover who I really am inside. I want to really accept and love myself, then I can shine my lights onto others, knowing who I am and what I can offer. I no longer want to be insecure and shine my lights into the stars who don't need them, or offer the shades of lights that they don't appreciate. I want to be loving, caring, and burning like a beautiful star that I've always wanted to be. I want to be just me, and I want to realize that I don't have shine the brightest or be the most colourful to be loved or be noticed. I don't have to try so hard to be seen or to feel beautiful. I want to realize that I am enough. 

          I want to believe that I was born in this dark sky to shine, for no one else but me. 

What I've Become

          A woman in my life, who I look up to, who I loved deeply, who I care about, who I can not lived without: My Mother, said that she feels bullied, that she felt attacked and bullied by me. She said she supports the LGBTQ community, but she feels upset by my choice of clothing. She said that it's not flattering on me, nor does it suit me. She said that I don't have enough of a feminine figure to pull it off, and she just finds it ugly when I wear women's clothing like skirts. She said she feels bullied and upset and that she just doesn't understand. Well, I think that she got one thing right, which is that she just doesn't understand, but not only about her own emotions and my fashion choices. She doesn't understand what I've become.

          She has asked me to cooperate with her to make her happier, make it easier for her. But the truth is, I really just can't. I want her to understand and accept me, and I also want her to be happy. Yet in my perspective, this cooperation would be selfish of her to request. This isn't cooperation to me, it's a sacrifice. Trust me, this will not help her depression, or make her happier. In fact, it will drown me in depression and trade in my freedom for absolutely nothing. By requesting me to cooperate, she is comparing her feeling of discomfort of seeing a boy in a skirt with my experiences, my everything, my past that I've struggled through to gain this confidence and freedom. It's defying what I've been through, every bully, every word, every phrase, every beating, everything I've wanted to hurt myself for. This freedom that I have: the fashion choices, my Gender-Fluidity, my sexual orientation, my voice...etc. had become my identity and prove for being who I truly am and who I want to be. It is proof to myself that I'm stronger, happier and that I can be whatever and whoever I wish to be. It is proof that I'm owning and living my life for myself. It is proof that I love myself.

          I know I haven't talked in detail about my family and what they're really like, but my mother has always inspired me. She is an intelligent, confident woman who knew what she wanted in life. She was always so selfless and hardworking, but she isn't always compassionate. It can be difficult for her to open her eyes to see the world and the beauty in the others around her. She doesn't love herself enough, yet she doesn't allow others to give her love and care. She wants to be strong and independent, but I'll be here waiting for her to let me into her heart.

          I love her so much, and I want her to be better, but I can not help her if she doesn't let me love her. She needs to know that I would do anything for her to make her happy, but I need to be happy too. I've worked so hard for this and I can not let go. It's all I have.

Editor : A. B.

Sheltered: Light & Dark Part 2 - Love

          Darkness is a place where we can get lost. We not only lose our directions, we may even lose ourselves. Yet darkness is also a place for us to hide, from reality. Using darkness, we shelter ourselves from the reality of our society. And by doing so, truths and flaws get to be buried under the coat of darkness, never seen or revealed.

          For me, I've chosen to reveal and see the ugly painful truths of society. I want to believe that once I've seen the worst in humanity, I'll discover the best. My whole life, I'm searching for the light, the morality and purpose of life. Yet it only seems to tangle myself with more unanswered questions, losing myself in the dark cloud I've created. I've been through hell and I've been through many stages in my life where it feels like an eternal darkness, but the solution of solving the darkness created by others is easy: strength. But it's more complicated when it's a thick cloud of darkness that you yourself have created. That's the mess I'm in. I was busy searching for love, success, and friendship, yet I've forgotten about myself, leaving my happiness behind. 

          I started to wonder about the reasons behind my each involvement in life as I want to know if I'm really living for myself or not. I've been talking about how I need to love myself more and really care about living, not just breathing. I still have a long way to go, but it's okay, it's a process. I'm just getting tired, I know I've had people supporting me all this time but sometimes I feel like I'm forced to handle problems alone... It may be unfair to those who've helped me so much in the past, but it sometimes feel like I'm in the dark by myself. I guess we all humans feel helpless and alone at times. But I'm getting to a point of be tired of the challenges in life, maybe its's just the lack of motivation, but why can't someone or something in life just click and give me a happily ever after !? This is me escaping from the truth of reality, it sometimes is so ugly that I rather shelter myself from the world. I guess this is why I'm so deparate of love, I'm searching for someone who can give me a fantasy, a happy ending, an escape from reality. I want a love that consumes me, a darkness that I can lose myself in willingly. This concept is conflicting, because I feel like I'm in the darkness without love yet the love I'm searching for is also a form of darkness ? It seems like I'm just trying to search for another way of escaping from reality that's more enjoyable. An escape for me to no longer take control, an escape for me to let myself go and let someone else take care of me, no more stress and no more anxiety. I want a love that's both the darkness and the light. That's love though, isn't it !? Love is always two sided, it gives us an escape from the light yet shines light through the darkness for us to reflect on the truth and the reality of who we are.

          Someday, I'll just give up on this and stop searching for love. Maybe then I can be truly happy, and realize that I don't need something or someone to escape from the light and free myself from the dark. I'll just need to turn on and off the lights myself, just as simple as it is in real life with a light switch.

The Okay List

          Lately things have been... messy. I have been quite busy and I've not been eating very healthy or getting enough sleep. Plus, I'm still searching for a part-time job, but it almost seems like I won't be able to handle much more. Being involved and doing the things I love is always great, but we humans have limits. And I've been having mood swings and what I call "man periods". I know I'm going to be fine, but it's just unfair for my friends to have deal with this. This self-therapeutic method created by my editor A.B. is simple and may help me to calm down a little. An Okay List is a list where I list some of the flaws or experiences I've had and then say, "and that's okay." It's not for me to admit that I have issues and just simply do nothing to fix myself, it's for me to say that I'm not perfect and that's okay. I will work on myself little by little everyday and it's okay to make mistakes, and not be perfect. I am human.

I can be annoying sometimes, and that's okay.

I have separation anxiety, and that's okay.

I'm very insecure, and that's okay.

I sometimes don't love myself enough, and that's okay.

I hate my body some days, and that's okay.

I am scared of the future and am afraid of failure, and that's okay.

I sometimes feel not worthy of love, and that's okay.

I don't really know how to make myself happy, and that's okay.

I care too much about some little things in life that no one understands, and that's okay.

I feel like a random person reading this may worry that I might be suicidal, which I'm not, 

and that's okay.

I overthink situations which stresses me out, and that's okay.

I had depression and self harmed, and that's okay.

I have a family who I love deeply but can never understand, and that's okay.

I was bullied physically and emotionally, and that's okay.

I get attached to friends because I'm afraid of being alone, and that's okay.

I am sometimes socially awkward when I meet people, and that's okay.

I put on an act of this sassy, happy, flamboyant character as a defense mechanism, and that's okay.

I sometimes am afraid of letting people see the real me, and that's okay.

I don't really know who I really am sometimes, and that's okay.

I don't feel okay, but that's okay.

          

Sheltered: Light & Dark Part 1 - Limits

          We're all sheltered, protected, and blinded by the dark and light. Some of us could not even bare to have the thought of being in the dark, yet some of us feel more free in the darkness, where nothing is seen. Like honesty and truth, it sometimes show the most ugly flaws of us human beings, leaving us naked and vulnerable for the world to see. But the lies and deceptions leave us with even more chance to discover those flaws and fill ourselves with secrets and shame.

          Insecurities, one simple word, yet I'm sure 99% of the people on Earth has them. It's human nature to want to hide in the dark and not let others see your flaws and insecurities. It's only protecting ourselves from being hurt, but it's also sheltering ourselves from the truth and our world. Sometimes I wonder how I made myself stepped into the light, because I was in the darkness for a while before. It seems to be the support and love from others that helped me realize that I can love myself. Even now, I have my days where I try to find that dark place again and hide, but when you've been in the light for so long, you can lose your sense of direction as you would too in the dark. There's no place for you to hide and every ugly truth is there to haunt you. As there is no escape from reality.

          It takes courage and a thick skin to be in the light, and I argue that I would rather have a painful, ugly truth then a lie out of love and protection. That's not entirely true, I'm a human, I get scared and I get anxious. But I remind myself that I deserve to be in the light sometimes, and that I deserve no lies. I want to put myself out there for the world to see, because my time in the darkness did me no good. And if I'm going to be the light, I'll make all use of it. That's why I have alter egos, to put on an act when I'm surrounded by strangers. "I am a Queen, I am Fabulous." I somehow have made it a rule that if I can convince them that I'm confident and happy, I would really be. And it does help, to an extent. We humans are fluid, we should be able to have both the light and the dark there for us to use. It's not always healthy for me either to expect everything to be in the light. Because I may not be able handle as much as I thought I could. Truths so hurt, and the worst part is, reality can sometimes be a deception itself.

          On the other hand, darkness can be free and limitless, full with imaginations and hope. Yet it also can lead you to no where but confusion and danger. I hated my times in the dark and I believe that the light will set us all free. Because I think that the truth will only hurt when it's being compared by our social standards. Others' truths may just differ or even oppose to your own subjective. There is no right and wrong answers to the Truth and False of individuality. So maybe the Light and Dark themselves don't even exist. Maybe they were standards of life set upon ourselves. Maybe they were only meant to be mixed to create a human's complexity, and not to be contrasted. 

          Because we're all just human beings, like little shades of grey. Seven billion shades of grey trying to fit into the Black and White standards of this world. 

The Trans Issue Part 2 - I'm Not Brave Enough

          Before we start, I think we all need to understand that sex is different than gender. Sex is physical, while Gender is a performance. Me being Gender-Fluid is saying that I don't give a fuck about what my sex is, and my gender changes to whatever I feel like that specific day, it is fluid, and I allow myself to separate my body from my behaviours. I don't need to be masculine or wear "mens' wear" just because my sex is male. Style doesn't need to have direct connections with our body parts.

          I think it takes courage to be free, but this courage risks hurting others. It isn't fully about yourself. I am from a family where my gender identity doesn't exist, and I'm constantly hurting them whenever I show the world my statements and beliefs. I'm constantly disagreeing with their own beliefs and statements. These problems with my family aren't all about their acceptance, or understanding, or lack of. They too need to deal with others asking about me and judging them for having a family member like me. Now, I would expect a friend to stand up for me and face the world with me by my side, but it would be truly selfish of me to expect the same from my family. I know it's difficult; it took me years to understand myself, accept myself, stand up for myself, and love myself. I just hope that with enough time, they will understand, as it did for myself.

          Many of you have told me that I'm brave or courageous. I think it may be true that it takes courage to put yourself out there like this, and to put all the flaws and struggles in my life out on a little website for people to read and judge. However, even though I don't like to admit it, I am asking for approval. Sometimes, when I don't get the approval from my family that I need, I go and search for this support from my friends and the world. I need this, to help myself to grow and love myself. I'm not there yet. I'm not capable of loving myself entirely yet. So do understand that every comment and encouragement means just so much to me, because you're helping me gain love for myself. I also do this in hope that one day I can help people too. I want people to know that they're not alone, and that there is still hope. 

          That's why I'm not brave enough. I'm still scared and I doubt myself everyday. I truly appreciate everyone around me who supports me and loves me no matter what I do. I'm a human too, I make mistakes, and I want to be better. Trans or not, mermaid or not, I'm the same as everyone, a human. 

          A human searching for their own, and other's love.

Editor: A.B.

The Trans Issue Part 1 - I'm a Mermaid.

          Many of you have been supportive over me coming out as Gender-Fluid, and I really appreciate that. I think it's great how caring and supportive people's reactions have been. Many still have questions, it's okay, because I still am searching for answers too. But I think I'm ready to put an end to this fire I've revealed to the world. The world has seen enough of the flames, and here's the closure I think we all need to put them out. The thing is, I don't think I will ever fully transition even if I do come out as transgender. It will only put me through an extremely difficult time, one that I've been through already over coming as gay and now coming out as Gender-Fluid. I am just not willing to put myself and the people who love me through this experience again.

          So am I a female inside ? Yes. But I am also a man inside and out. See, not many people in Asia understand the whole Gender-Fluid thing (not to speak for everyone but just from my experiences), so I don't expect my family or family friends to understand the Transgender thing. I've been raised to force myself to be a man for so long that even if I am a girl trapped inside, I wouldn't know how to let her out. So I'm deciding to settle in the middle ground. I've now freed that girl within and fused her with the man on the outside, and going as Gender-Fluid. At this point I find it hard to know who I really am, how do I know who I am now has not been influenced, turning me into something I'm not? I believe that there is a true and pure self with in all of us and that's our most original self, our childhood. That's the most unique and true version of us all. 

          When I was in kindergarten, I loved swimming and I would tuck my little penis in between my thighs and cross my ankles to swim like a mermaid. I've always loved mermaids and I hadn't realized until two years ago, that mermaids don't have genitals. They are usually seen as free and beautiful, without a body part to define their existence (so now you all know what my mermaid references meant in my past blog pieces). I've always only played with barbies when I was a child, and I would only play a female character in video games. I payed attention to details of women and I would only draw female bodies. I looked up to my mother like an idol and I loved her clothes and shoes...etc. Also, I've always loved a woman's curve and breasts, I love drawing them and think they are beautiful. A female body to me is an art, beautiful and lovely. Now everything I just said may scream "girl trapped in boy's body", but I also have a few big important differences with other transgender people that may prove that I'm just a very feminine man. I've never actually hated my genitals and I've never had extreme disgust with my body (gender wise, I've struggled with loving my weight though). Maybe it's because I never knew that this was a thing since they don't talk about that kind of stuff back where I came from, and maybe my struggles with loving my body are not purely due to my weight. But does this matter ? I find it depressing that even if I do want to become a female, I won't and can't make it happen. I find myself doing something many of you who also support the LGBTQA+ community may not understand. I will learn to love my body, even if I feel like a different gender inside. I think I'll be a fabulous Drag Queen in the future, and I'll be happy from my success (hopefully) as well as with the loved ones and those who have supported and loved me. So, I think I will not let a label such as gender define me anymore, because I don't want to be restricted any longer, not even by the female standards.

          So I really hope this gives some closure on this topic for myself and for the others who have wondered, because I think people still have questions about the Gender-Fluid thing, which is okay. I do admit, I say that fashion should have nothing to do with gender, but is that really possible ? If that's really true, then why do we need Drag culture and why do I still feel weird using the men's bathroom in heels ? Stereotypes are imprinted on our brains and it would take more time than we ever imagined to lose all the expectations of gender. But we have to keep trying, because it's our job to make sure it's different, and better for the next generation.

          So again I am here, sharing my story as a mermaid. The only difference is that after all these years I've become stronger, so strong that now I have a tail of steel. I'm here to say that we as humans need to change our society into a more accepting, and loving one so we can all be free. People shouldn't have to go through what I went through, people aren't supposed to force themselves to be strong and to wake up every morning wondering if one day, their families will finally understand. People shouldn't be forced to hide who they are inside and aren't suppose to be shamed to conform to society's standards. 

          People shouldn't need to be mermaids to be free.

Editor K.L.S.

I am... Free.

          So many of you who've read my recent Blog pieces or those of you who have spoken with me recently, will know that I am now Gender-Fluid and can go by either or both Male and Female. I think that at least for now, this is the only way I can be free. I've always questioned if I was transgender and if I wanted to become a female or not, but I also know that I will not and can not do anything about it even if I am this. So why not just be both? I'm tired of being restricted by endless gender stereotypes, roles, expectations, and fashion limits...etc. I think it's time for us humans beings to just treat each other as human beings. Freedom is a luxury that many enjoy, and sometimes Freedom can be selfish, but no matter how selfish I can seem, I will not allow myself to be limited by society's standards. I have to be free.

          I'm happy with the reactions and responses I've received from people over this. But honestly, most people already saw it coming. I mean, I kinda did have a long smooth transition. First the make-up, then the heels, and by the time I wore a skirt to school, people stopped caring. After all, they are just labels. I'd much rather fill my life with labels like Chanel, Dior...etc, then with gender labels that come with expectations and limitations. I do believe that fashion should be just an expression of self, and should go beyond gender, race, and sexuality oriented labels. So it's not about what I'm wearing and what you see and think, it's about me embracing both my masculinity and femininity, and living as a complex human being.

          I think it's completely fine if you don't agree or understand. Yes, I am a man by legal terms with my penis, but we're talking about feelings, not law and science. I want to open myself to all the possibilities as a human being and re-claim my body. I want to no longer be told on how to act or dress based on my gender. And no, I will not use a Gender neutral bathroom either. I think there's one in my school that no one knows about, it's like in the office or something. I am not going all the way to the office to pee and make a scene about it. Now, I kinda just use both gender washrooms in my school depending how I feel and what I am wearing that day. (I don't really know if that's okay or not according to the school rules) The thing is that, I really don't give a shit. Washrooms are never comfortable for me and I'm just there to get the job done and fix my hair. I don't care about others' judgments and views of me personally, but I do care for others' feelings. So I'm just worried that others may feel uncomfortable with me being in either or both of the washrooms. I'll never get offended or anything as long as you speak to me politely and respectfully. Because if you don't feel comfortable, I can just go to the other washroom or pee later, I really don't care. It's a big issue for other Transgender kids, but I'm weirdly more chill in this situation.

          Pronouns and washrooms are not my problem, my only problem is hoping that others aren't feeling uncomfortable because of me. And don't ever think I'm using this to my advantage, I mean sure, maybe now I can room with my girlfriends on a school overnight trip, and maybe less is expected of me now in terms of societal standards, but I honestly just want to be happy and free. Believe it or not, this freedom caused me to give up something many would find important. I feel like as a Gender-fluid person, I'm giving up part of myself and my identity. I meant that I'm actually giving you the choice and power to see me however you like, male and/or female. If you're a man and you're attracted to me, will you be gay or straight? Or maybe even Pan-sexual? See how confusing labels can be? Just love me already, I'm too desperate to wait for my Prince Charming to question his own sexuality. I think labels are good to a point with helping us understand ourselves, but sometimes instead of grouping people together, we should all just be one thing: human beings. We are all unique and different, we are not going to find a label that fits us perfectly. So, I may not even be Gender-fluid based on your definition of that label. But I honestly don't give a fuck.

          Well, even though now I'm free from many standards and expectations. I seem to have one more label added on my belt. Or we can just all ignore all these labels and just remember that we're all human beings loving other human beings?

Editor: K.L.S

I am... Perverted. Part 2 - Dying A Little Inside

          So, obviously my dad freaked out. Honestly, I'm not even that angry at my mom for bringing it up. It's something he has to face sooner or later, but I don't feel relieved either. Because it could be a complete waste of time trying to explain things to him. And I really hope that someday, he can just finally understand...

          He kept saying that he doesn't want me to hurt my body. He said that he wasn't happy that I pierced my ears either, but what could I say, I already did it. I apologized, and that I don't think if a Transgender person want to change his/her body, it's hurting that body, it's altering the body to match the inside. I promised that if I want to change my body, I will do it in the future when I can make decisions myself and support my own living. He didn't seem to understand anything at all and it felt useless to explain furthermore. He called Transgender a stage and before that is the "Perverted and Abnormal" stage where one dresses like the opposite sex and do minor changes to his/her body like piercings. He treated it like a disease where it has stages and many harmful consequences. The word "pervert" will never be the same for me, and I never thought he could ever use that word on me. I was in shock and kept asking my mother to defend me, but her response just made me feel even worse. She said, "You can't blame him right now, he needs time. I thought that too at first, I just convinced myself over the months and I coped with it better." I found it shocking to know that even my mom thought that of me, and it felt like everything was a lie. I felt betrayed, that there's no such thing as acceptance in this family anymore...

          I told my dad that it's not abnormal and it's not something to be ashamed of, that most of Canada is accepting of it and that my school and my friends are all very supportive. I also brought up some names of my mom's friends who've talked to me about this and seemed supportive. But my dad just said that they're all lying to me, no one could possibly think that this is right and that they're all just looking at our family as a joke. It really felt like my whole world was crushing down, no matter how many facts and proofs I had, he could deny it and look pass it. He even asked to meet with some of these parents who have children of my "kind" and wanted to ask how they could do it. He didn't believe that parents could accept such thing and asked me not to wear "female things" anymore. I said that I'm sorry but I can't. I can promise that I won't "hurt" my body before I leave them, but I can not give up my freedom of fashion. It's one of the only things I have left. I need my heels. I tried to get support from my mom again as she was the one who bought me half of those clothes, but she defended my dad instead. They all said that I was hurting the family and that I was being selfish. I felt helpless as there was really nothing more I could say. My mom ended the fight moving the focus back to my brother and saying that she just want a peaceful family and she's trying her best to support her children. My dad added that he would keep working hard for his career to support us from Taiwan. Everyone left the living room and I was the last one to go up stairs...

          I cried on the floor trying not to make too much noise and I felt like the world was spinning. (I know it's dramatic and cheesy, but bare with me) I know they love me and that it must be really difficult for them too, but I find it hard to stand in their shoes when they can't even listen to my perspective of things. Trust me, I do want to have a simple happy family and I wish that I'm just a normal straight Asian teenager, but I'm not and I only hope that they can understand someday that I have to be myself. I couldn't help but to feel alone and had to seek for support from my friends... again. I never wanted to be the friend with the problems, but I'm grateful to have such wonderful friends at this stage of my life. (Shout out to my Friends who have not stopped loving me after all these years of struggles)

          And I get it, it's hard to swallow so much in just a few days for my family, especially my dad. He came to help my brother, he must be stressed enough. And my mom only ever wanted peace and a simple family. They all acted normal after that night, not normal, better actually. They acted like there was no fight or problems, and my dad has been hugging me a lot. I love my family so much, and I know they're only trying to fix things, but I'm not sure if they can be the same to me after this. I... I think I'll need a little more time and space. It still hurts too much. And I could never forget what hurts the most, him blaming himself and my mom for this. He said that he finally could see what kind of parents they are and that he suddenly felt like nothing has a purpose in life anymore. It broke my heart and it's ridiculous that I'm still the one feeling guilty over this whole thing. It breaks my heart to know that he can care more about how others see our family than my happiness, it breaks my heart that he felt like he has failed as a father, it breaks my heart that he might never understand or accept me for what I am. And it will break my heart forever to know that to him, I'm a pervert.

          I'm sorry dad, but I have to keep going. I will wear the clothes I love and being who I am. I know I will never be the son you want me to be, and I can never make you proud. I'm sorry that I bring so much to the family and that I'm hurting you all. But I can not back down again, I have to love myself and take care of my happiness. Because who else can take care of our happiness if we can't even be responsible of it ? It's a dark time for me, and probably many others who are also struggling. And for those who's afraid of your families not accepting or loving you for who you are. Do me a favor: stand tall, be proud, and never stop loving yourselves. Because I see the beauty in all of you that they may not be able see. Be free, be wild, be beautiful, and be unique.

          Just be YOU.

I am... Perverted. Part 1 - Thanksgiving & Coming-Out

          So with Thanksgiving and Canada's National Coming-Out day being in the same weekend, me and my mother has gotten into a fight. My dad just arrived in Canada a few days ago to fix some problems in our family as my brother has been having some issues. Everything seemed fine for like two days and everyone just pretended like we're a happy perfect family, but I knew that the peace would be ruined sooner or later. I knew that this piece of paper would not be able to cease the fire within, I just hoped that it wasn't me who ripped the paper and released the flames...

          The fight between me and my mom was nothing really. But like all our fights in the family, it brings back the unsolved issues in the past. I finally snapped and brought up the real reason why my dad came to visit suddenly and I really don't want to have to deal with family issues right now in my life. I've been busy trying to hold everything in my life together that I would just want them to understand if I'm being a little bitchy. But no, my dad who came to "fix" problems, wanted me to tell him why I wasn't happy with the family. I talked and talked and told him about me being gay (which he already knew from me coming out to him at the beginning of the year), but he ignored it and still kept asking me about dating girls and completely acted like nothing had happened. He thought there was something wrong with my body and that it was a phase. So I made it clear to him that it's not and I do like men, and I don't need him to accept or understand it 100%, but at least not ignore it. We had a heart to heart conversation and he claims that he accepts me, but he who does not know the difference of Homosexuality and Transgender questioned if I would go too far of being gay and become a girl. I made sure that he understood that I am only gay and the end, but my mom who was still angry from the fight with me, brought up the fact that I did in fact questioned if I was transgender and that I didn't know what I am. Well, that fucked everything up.

          Yes, I did questioned if I am Transgender, many of you who read my blog would know. I really do wonder if I want to be a girl or not. After all, I do already dress like a female. It's something I still struggle with and I for now, am just going with Gender-Fluid. Gender is a label, and I am already breaking the gender barrier of Fashion, why not break the social gender standard completely ? I love the world, the fashion, and everything and I would like to experience things without restrictions just because of a body part. So call me a "she", "he", "it"...etc, I don't care. I refuse to be defined by one gender and it's stereotypes, I refuse to be restricted because of what the society has the say. I will be me and be happy. But, my family can't take it, they don't understand and as if right now, I don't think they ever will. And I can't make them go through something like this, if I really want to be female, I will have wait until I'm a grown adult who can support myself. So that's why I never wanted to tell my father about this whole gender thing, I only wanted him to know that I like men, because that's all I can confirm right now at this stage of my life. But everything just went wrong on this Thanksgiving, I mean... Happy National Coming-Out day for me, but it got as ugly as I've ever seen in years...

          I only wish that everyone else had a better Thanksgiving than me, and I'll share the rest of the story in Part 2. Life sucks sometimes, but we gotta stay strong together and never lose hope !