It's Complicated.

          Friendships are... Complicated. Or, are they really ?

          It can also be very simple. After all, they're all just decisions.

          I've been to weekly therapy for months now, and when I'm asked to fill out a sheet of how I'm feeling, the answers depend week-to-week. Yet I always, every single week, tick the "lonely" box. Yes, even when I'm happy. See, isn't it kind of more sad, that now even when I'm happy and stable with my mental health, I have no one to share it with ?

          It's difficult to love myself, when it feels like no one else could. It's difficult to know how to survive, when it feels like no one is fighting for me. I'm no longer part of their happiness, I no longer make them happy... Did I ever ? I'm not needed or wanted anymore, and it really just hurts. I try to be classy, I try to fake a smile. You ask me to speak, but what am I suppose to say ? I want to cry, trust me I do. I want to beg you to stay, but I can't. I shouldn't. For you have made your decision, and you have admitted that your happiness no longer includes me. I'm not someone you come to when you want to share something funny or exciting, I'm not the shoulder you come to when you need a good cry. I'm not the person you think of when you have a gossip to share, and I'm not the person you need when you want company. Yet here we are, still... friends ? It's complicated.

          "You can't make Homes out of Human Beings." - Warsan Shire

          That was my fault, I apologize. I was homeless, desperate for shelter, craving for love, for attention, for care, for something, anything. I've made homes out of you all, I've been too comfortable. I've been too dependent, too open, too honest, too defenseless. I'm sorry, that I became such a burden. Here I am, alone. I want to cry, I want to scream. I want to turn my disappointments into anger. I want to blame it on the world. I want to fly, far far away. I want to start over.

          Why ? It feels unfair. 

          Why do you all leave me ? I want you to stay. 

          What did I do wrong ? I'm sorry.

          Please, I can change... 

          I was there for her when he broke up with her on the phone, staying over at her house for a whole weekend, leaving my family behind even though my dad came to visit from the other side of the world. I was there for you when you had an anxiety attack every night because you thought you were pregnant, I bought you a pregnancy test, and I helped you get over the nightmare. I was there when you and the others questioned your sexuality. I was there when you flirted with him. I was there when you needed a dress to go on a date. I was there when you two broke up. I was there when the others defended him but I believed in you. I was there for you. I was there for her. I was there for them. I'm not perfect. I'm not a great friend, nor am I a good person. Yet I really, desperately tried to be as loving and caring as I could. I was never taught how to love, as my mother never held me and as my father never was there at all. I love you all so much, so much that I wanted to love myself too...

          People will say that I've changed the most, but in all honesty, I've changed the least. I've came out of the closet, I've changed my hair, the ways I dress...etc. But I'm still the insecure, annoying, funny, loud Leon that I were, just trying to survive. You all have changed, so much. My therapist said that I have an "old soul", I'm too mature, that I've probably just outgrown you guys. Yet maybe, you guys are the ones who have outgrown me. 

          I was there for you all, I tried to be there. I wanted to be there, I liked being there. I wanted to give you guys my all, my everything. I want to love, I want to care. Was it not enough ? Was it something I did ? I'm really sorry if I was too clingy or annoying. I can change. I will change. But it's all too late. Isn't it ? You guys have moved on. You all have other friends, you all have each other. I guess, all I can say is, Thank You. Thank you for loving me, and letting me love you guys in the ways that I could. I apologize, if I loved wrongly. I'm sorry, if I can't make you guys laugh anymore.

          I'm Sorry...