Trigger Warning: Transphobia & Violence Against Trans Women.
Why do I hate men ? Well... I don't, but I do.
I don't "hate" men, I think the right word should be "fear". Yet when we fear something, we tend to showcase actions that can be linked to hatred. And I don't really "fear" men either, what I really fear is... masculinity. Why ? Well because in our society, masculinity can very easily become toxic, fragile, and egotistical. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I was bullied. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I was assaulted. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I am still not seen as a real woman. It is because of this toxic masculinity, that I'm consistently shamed for accepting, embracing, and expressing the femininity within me. Do note that I am not the only victim here, men are also being pressured and influenced negatively because of this. Yet often, it seems like men think that I've betrayed them or that I'm "the enemy", because of the fact that I was born with a penis but I still am embracing my womanhood with such pride.
My Father, was an alcoholic, he used alcohol to let out his demons, his anger, his disappointments. He is now afraid to visit us, out of guilt...
My Brother, learning from my Father, is still learning how to control his anger. He is still recovering from the destruction that he has caused within himself. Yet just not that long ago, I was the victim of his violence and abuse...
My Bullies, they still haunt me til this day, they are the voices inside me, convincing myself that I'll never be worthy enough to be loved...
My Crushes, are boys who may never see me as a woman, but a friend-accessory of girls they'll like to kiss, date, and fuck. They have me question myself every night, ain't I a woman enough ?! Why am I not enough to be loved, by them ?
I still have yet to receive respect from most of my male peers. None of them has ever acknowledged my struggles, and my fight against the oppression my community faces. I don't want to be respected as an authority, nor do I consider myself an "inspiration" for being an Activist. The respect I seek, is of a fellow human being who's surviving and trying their best to thrive. The respect I desperately crave for, is to actually make me feel like something, someone... worthy. Maybe, it's just me, because why should they care ? Why should they respect me ? They think that I've done nothing for them. Yet, does anyone know how it feels when boys only acknowledge my existence when I'm standing beside a Cisgender woman ? I see boys who will say hi and be friendly with almost everybody, calling other boys "bros", and try to flirt with the other Cisgender girls. Yet I am alienated, because of my lack of masculinity, and my lack of "female sexuality".
What people don't understand, is the difficulty for trans women to feel comfortable and safe around men. It is not just me, because it happens to other trans women as well. We have been bullied, assaulted, and harassed for such a long time, just because we've gained courage to finally reject the masculinity we've been assigned to accept. Trans women have been getting sexually assaulted and murdered every year by mostly men. (In 2015, out of all the murders of Trans women, only one killer was a female.) Men fear us. They fear me, as I poke through their lies, their "charms", their privileges, revealing their insecurities and fragility. I may be a woman, but I am loud, strong, and powerful. I call them out when they make mistakes. I let them know when they're wrong, and I'm not afraid to call out big topics like Racism, Homophobia, Transphobia, Ableism...etc. I've had to witness countless men being "offended" when they get called out, getting defensive, calling me a bitch...etc.
"Trans women have relinquished masculinity, showing that it can be, and that is, very threatening to a man who wants to see his power as an intrinsic feature of who he is."
(Reading for You if You wanna furthermore look into the Social Issue !)
Why Do Men Kill Trans Women? Gender Theorist Judith Butler Explains
Masculinity is Killing Trans Women
Why Are So Many Trans Women of Color Murdered Every Year?
Why I'm Afraid to Look at Men
My Brother, learning from my Father, is still learning how to control his anger. He is still recovering from the destruction that he has caused within himself. Yet just not that long ago, I was the victim of his violence and abuse...
My Bullies, they still haunt me til this day, they are the voices inside me, convincing myself that I'll never be worthy enough to be loved...
My Crushes, are boys who may never see me as a woman, but a friend-accessory of girls they'll like to kiss, date, and fuck. They have me question myself every night, ain't I a woman enough ?! Why am I not enough to be loved, by them ?
I still have yet to receive respect from most of my male peers. None of them has ever acknowledged my struggles, and my fight against the oppression my community faces. I don't want to be respected as an authority, nor do I consider myself an "inspiration" for being an Activist. The respect I seek, is of a fellow human being who's surviving and trying their best to thrive. The respect I desperately crave for, is to actually make me feel like something, someone... worthy. Maybe, it's just me, because why should they care ? Why should they respect me ? They think that I've done nothing for them. Yet, does anyone know how it feels when boys only acknowledge my existence when I'm standing beside a Cisgender woman ? I see boys who will say hi and be friendly with almost everybody, calling other boys "bros", and try to flirt with the other Cisgender girls. Yet I am alienated, because of my lack of masculinity, and my lack of "female sexuality".
What people don't understand, is the difficulty for trans women to feel comfortable and safe around men. It is not just me, because it happens to other trans women as well. We have been bullied, assaulted, and harassed for such a long time, just because we've gained courage to finally reject the masculinity we've been assigned to accept. Trans women have been getting sexually assaulted and murdered every year by mostly men. (In 2015, out of all the murders of Trans women, only one killer was a female.) Men fear us. They fear me, as I poke through their lies, their "charms", their privileges, revealing their insecurities and fragility. I may be a woman, but I am loud, strong, and powerful. I call them out when they make mistakes. I let them know when they're wrong, and I'm not afraid to call out big topics like Racism, Homophobia, Transphobia, Ableism...etc. I've had to witness countless men being "offended" when they get called out, getting defensive, calling me a bitch...etc.
- Judith Bitler
Yet as a Feminist and an Advocate, this may be the price that I'll have to pay. Maybe I'll just need to accept that I won't be liked as much, that I'll be labeled as a "Bitch", that I'll be hated and disliked by many men, even when I fear them myself. All I'm asking for is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T !!!
Why Do Men Kill Trans Women? Gender Theorist Judith Butler Explains
Masculinity is Killing Trans Women
Why Are So Many Trans Women of Color Murdered Every Year?
Why I'm Afraid to Look at Men
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