Being a Woman, is Tiring...
I don't really know what to say, but just that I'm really tired. And it's sometimes difficult to not feel alone in times like this. Because really, how many people can understand, relate, or know how to comfort me ? Who can make things better ? What can make things better ? There's nothing I can do, or undo. It's just reality.
Am I really Transgender ? What's even Gender ? What makes a Man, and what makes a Woman ? How do I know if I'm a Woman ? Am I Feminine enough ? What defines Femininity ?
I just need all of you, to just realize that this will be my life. This is my reality. I will forever have to fight for my identity. I will always have to wonder, if I'm "womanly" enough, if I'm passing. I'll have to hear people misgender me, I'll have to question my identity, I'll have to educate people, even my closest friends on LGBTQ+ issues, and I'll always have to fight to be seen as a female. It was really difficult for me to come out, and say that I'm a Transgender Woman, because it's difficult to be a woman. By being a woman, I'm submitting myself into the standards and rules of Gender. What if I still have a penis ? What if I don't shave my legs or armpits ? What if I keep wearing menswear ? What if, I'm not the woman that society needs me to be ? Am I still the woman I want to be ? It's tiring, and stressful, to have to wake up every single day, to think, and to question myself. I just want to live, and be happy...
Being a Transgender woman does not forces me to be an Advocate, but this society does. I have to fight for the LGBTQIAP+ community, and for other women as well. People asks me questions, sometimes offensive questions, people are ignorant, people are uneducated, people are curious...etc. And I just want to make it clear, that I don't owe you, or anyone anything. I don't owe you an education, I don't owe you an answer, I don't owe you an evidence of my identity, I don't owe you proof of my existence, and I don't owe you time to process the things that I've said over and over and over again. I am, me. I am not my identity, and many people can not see me past a Transgender Woman, or a Feminist. If you're really an Ally, then you would've done your own research, and then come to have a DISCUSSION with me. Not to seek Answers from me.
You know, I can never do it. I can never just get surgery to have a vagina, leave this town, and start a new life as a cis-gendered woman. I will never, I can't. I love all stages of my life, and it has helped shape the person that I am today. I also, want to be an advocate. I want to help, and inspire others. But it's all just getting so much, and I'm actually shocked on how little even some of my friends know about the LGBTQ+ issues. It also hurts to see some of the people I know, to dismiss or to show little care or concern towards social issues that directly impacts me, and my life. It's truly a journey, but I'm just really sick and tired.
And you know what, just be respectful. Like honestly, put yourselves in my shoes and just try to think. I don't owe it to you to solve your concerns or problems with the needs or rights of LGBTQIAP+ people. As a plus-sized, transgender woman, a person of colour, a former victim of bullying, sexual violence, family violence, and being in a immigrant family with a history of mental illnesses, I think that I have enough experiences, and I certainly know what I'm talking about.
So, please. Listen to me, and Respect me.
Do Not question my identity, my experiences, or my requests.
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