A Fantasy

      Today in school, I was chatting with one of my best friends "A" and our another good friend "B". Somehow my crush became our topic for chitchat, and they were talking about how I should really just try to have feelings for a gay guy, because all my crushes up until now has been straight guys. My friend A said that it's because that my type is too narrow and I shouldn't be narrowing what I'm attracted to, but B suggested that the reason why I only like straight guys is because I'm scared of rejections. I was surprised to hear that because no one had ever said that to me and I had never thought of it that way. I think she's right though, I mean, who likes rejections ? Isn't it kinda sad that the more straight guys I like, the more rejection I will get ? So I'm basically  making myself get more rejections just to not face those real rejections...

      Just a few days ago, I was again chatting with my friend A, and I was telling her how I'm a little jealous of her being such good friends with my crush. I told her how I could never talk to him like that. Something she said really caught my attention. She said, "I'm sorry, I just don't understand. I would understand if you actually talk to him and be his friend, and see what he really is like. Like, you don't know him at all. Every time you see him or hear about him, you're just adding to your fantasy." Even though I love her and she isn't trying to be mean, it hurts to just think that she might be right.

      Is she right after all though ? Is there no such thing as love at first sight ? It sickens me to think that this can be all fake. Can all feelings be defined just like that ? It really just upsets me how shallow I will seem if this is true. I told my friend that I do know him, and I like the way he sings and acts, but the truth is, him and I don't even talk, and there's a whole bunch of other guys who sing and act. Now I'm just afraid. I'm afraid to really look at him and find that there isn't any feeling. I'm afraid to see how stupid I am to fall for the idea of him. I'm afraid to see that I can be this shallow. I'm afraid to wake up from this fantasy...

Editor: A.B.