2016 in Review

          Here we are, at the end of December, ready to say Goodbye to the year of 2016. I think this is a Goodbye that most of us all are very eager to say. 2016 has been a mess, I've gone through a lot of shitty times, yet, there were some pretty awesome things that happened too. And now, it's time to look back and reflect on the year, so we can look forward and into 2017 with no regrets.

          If I can describe the year of 2016 in a word, it would be "Woke". That's right, 2016 has been a year where I feel like I finally blossomed as a Feminist. I began to be serious with what I want to advocate for and I love activism ! I know that I still have lots to learn, but it's a good start. It also has be woke for a lot of people too. With so much drama and violence that happened, people finally realized that yes rape culture exists, homophobia and transphobia exists, racism...etc.

          January - Started 2016 with fabulously new dyed Pink hair !

          February - Slayed at my high school's Semi-Formal dance wearing a FABULOUS sequined mini-dress. That's right, MAMA WERKED IT.

          March - May (Nothing much happened, or that I could think of...)

          June - Orlando Shooting. May All Rest In Power.

                  - I came out as Transgender !

          July - My FIRST EVER Pride ! Also, I started to train myself in Dance.

          August - Summer Bible Camp. What can I say, I SLAYED.

          September - School ! Last year of High School... Birthday was okay, I became a Dance Minor in my school's Arts Program.

          October - LGBTQ+ History Month, my big step into Activism. Stress.

          November - Meh. Ugh. Help. Got Accepted into London College of Fashion though !

          December - Shitty. What is happening.

          Now, who's ready to leap into the year of 2017 !? You know, bad things happen, and good things happen. It's just unfortunate that 2016 went downhill for a lot of people. We never know what 2017 will be like or how we'll handle it after this year, but we need to have hope. And we'll have each other. Happy New Year, and Stay Fabulous !

It Was In Grade 6...

          So... this is a story, a memory that I thought I would never want to share publicly on this Blog. I've only referred to this incident before in the Blog Piece "Til It Happens To You" as a way to spread awareness for Sexual Assault. I have shared and wrote just about everything of myself here, my past, my family, my journey through questioning...etc. I mean, of course I have not gone into details with my family because I think they deserve some privacy, but with major events that just involve specifically me, I've shared. I'm an open book ! I've always took pride in that. And what I'm about to share in detail, is something actually I have forgotten for a long time. I don't know why I forgot about it, why my brain kept it locked up. Yet I only started to remember that it happened years later in Canada telling my friends about my past experiences.

          I don't know why I want to share this. I just think that I'm ready, and I think of this Blog as a place where I can let things go, to let my past free. If I can write it, I'm over it. If I can write it, I can start to heal. If I can write, I can recover. And again, I was not raped, I don't think of myself as a greater victim than anyone else who have been assaulted or harassed sexually, but it's just something horrible that I went through.

          It was in Grade 6, when I was in Malaysia. I was innocent, I didn't know anything about sex, pleasure, or what sexual organs do. They don't really teach about sexual and personal health in Asia. But anyway, I was bullied like everyday. It was bad. All the boys from my class would beat me up, call me names like "faggot", "gay", "fatty"...etc. Those, I remembered. What I forgot was how on one particular day, something happened in the washroom. I walked in, and there they were, everyone were there hanging out at the beginning of lunch just right after class had ended. They made fun of me, and I stood up for myself. Well, what happened next was that they all started to beat me up, usual stuff. Yet something weird was that they all surrounded me. A few just kept kicking me, but some punched my back so that I fell down to the ground on all fours. Then two of them started to take turns dry humping me from behind. I remembered everyone laughing and saying that I would "like it because I'm a faggot." I didn't know why they were doing that or what they meant at the time, I just focused on how painful the punches and kicks felt. After they were done, they left and locked me in the washroom, I missed lunchtime that day, and I remembered crying a lot. It wasn't rape, but it was sexual assault, apparently so traumatic that my brain didn't let me to remember it until now in Canada. Maybe It's better that I didn't understand what they meant, maybe it's better that I forgot about it for so long, so that it was less impactful, less traumatizing I guess...

          I was telling my friend about Malaysia, talking about all the bullying that I used to experience. And when I started to remember this, I was shaking. I think that maybe the only impacts it has on me is the way I interact with men - how I'm more defensive and guarded with them, and how uncomfortable I feel about my body sometimes. I feel myself being angry to boys that remind me of the bullies in my past. Boys that make me feel less of myself, and don't see me as the woman that I am. The sad thing is, I believed them, because I didn't think I deserve better.

I was in Grade Six.

Their Hands were holding me down, and

Their Hips were thrusting me from behind.

I was clothed, yet

I was more naked than ever.

Their Penises were their Egos.

They thought, 

That conquering me, 

Taking my "Manhood" away, 

Stripping away my Power, would 

Make them the "Real Men". 

Yet. For me, 

It was a moment of Truth. 

Stripped away of my dignity, my pride, and my power, 

I blossomed. 

I realized, that I will never be a man. 

That I need to become the woman that I meant to be. 

That my penis is different. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Flowers, 

they blossom of Humbleness. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Diamonds, 

they strengthen through Love. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Pearls, 

they shine with Purity and Grace. 

I am a Woman. 

          I am a Woman, and I will never ever, let anyone, let any man, tell me otherwise. I will not allow anyone, any man, make me think otherwise. To anyone who have been through any form of sexual assault, please remember that it's your body. It is your body. It may feel like it's not, but it is. When you're ready, claim it back, and remember. Remember that you are not defined by what they think, what they do, and what they say. That we deserve to feel like a whole person, that we are nothing less than beautiful. That we are meant to shine like the stars, that we are no less perfect than the sun. That we deserve to love the world, and that we deserve to love ourselves.

Merry Christmas 2016

          It's Christmas ! Happy Holidays to all, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, I wish to send love and care to all during this Winter Holiday.

          And yet, I want to remind all that some may not be having a good time during this joyful holiday, some may have nothing or no one to celebrate for and with. It's time like these that can make people the loneliest. I for one, am not celebrating Christmas this year. Well, my family doesn't celebrate Christmas really since it's not part of our culture, we only do something to "experience" Canada. Every year, we usually will go to a party thrown by my mother's friends, but the one friend that hosts is away, so we have nothing to go to. We're going out for lunch and that's it, no gifts, no decorations, nothing big or extra. I'm also not in a great shape to really celebrate anything, I'm still stressed and trying to get myself out of all the things I'm behind in for school. These two weeks will only be a break from school, but not from school work at all.

          I mean, even on Christmas eve, my family spent our whole day on our laptops and phones, we didn't even speak ! I can't blame them, because I used the day to finally finish the Glimore Girls on Netflix. I'm just sad because I've always been the one trying to do stuff, forcing my mom to drive us places, making us do stuff with each other. I used to be the one getting frustrated when no one spoke at dinner. Yet, I've given up. I've began to like spending time alone but it's just... lonely. 

          Well, that's it for that. I'm sorry if you're all sad now because of this. Be happy, celebrate, and have fun ! Remember what this holiday is about, and spread joy, love, and care.

Loving Myself when Depressed.

          How can one love oneself when Depressed ? Well, can you really ? Yes, of course you can ! It will just take practice, and time. Self-Love is always a journey.

          My therapist said to me, 

"When You're struggling with Depression, You need to be even more compassionate with yourself, more forgiving. Give yourself some credit for even getting out of bed, or getting dressed...etc."

          It seems like an easy thing to do, but it's not. I find it extremely difficult to have Self-Compassion, to forgive myself, to cut myself some slack...etc. So maybe I thought, if I record this journey here, I'll be more hopeful, seeing my progress. Yet firstly, I do want to apologize, to those readers that may not wish to read about my Mental Health journey. I know that I use to write about more fun things, like boy crushes, relationships' dramas...etc. Now, it's just me.

          I drag my body to school, but I'm not able to concentrate in class. I feel anxious, sad, and tired. I just want to drop out of school, and sleep. I don't want to see my friends, and I feel like everyone is disappointed in me. I no longer find joy in extra-curricular activities, but I'm still there. I feel like a zombie, just dragging myself to places where I need to be, yet not being able to feel anything. I feel like I'm not talented and not smart enough, and I'm angry of how behind I am with class work. I start to not see a purpose in school anymore... 
          Now, that's a typical day for me at school. How can we turn it into something more encouraging and self-loving ? Okay. First of all, I actually got myself out of bed, dressed, and I went to school. That's an accomplishment. It is. It is for me. And if I forced myself to go to activity clubs, and engage with social activities (faked or not). That's another accomplishment. I did something. Also, yes I'm behind in school work, but I'm trying my best to catch up, even if I finish one assignment a week, that's still something. Anything, no matter how small, is something. Finally, I need to be proud of myself that I made it through the day, that I survived another day. Tomorrow will be a new day, a new challenge, and I'll be okay.

          I think that I've been hating myself because I have Depression, thinking that because I've driven people away, because I'm struggling, I'm not being a "good person". Yet, I should love myself even more now because I have Depression. I shall even love my Depression. I don't know how much love I'll need, but I know that I need it. And I'll start by learning how to be more forgiving and compassionate with my own self. It's not perfect nor is it easy, but it's a start. 

Loving Someone with Depression.

          I... am Depressed. And as difficult as it is, it's also difficult to love someone with Depression. I, for one, can very much understand how hard it is as my mother struggled with Depression. To witness someone you love and care so much about, going through their worst, and see how they are isolating themselves, trying to push you away, is heartbreaking. Sometimes it's easy to get angry even. It can start to feel hopeless.

          I think that because I've witness my mother, I understand how difficult it is for those around me as well. I can see how frustrating and how helpless they feel. And I'm sorry, because I'm not able to the one to help them, not when I'm this unstable myself. I also think that people don't know how to deal and help those with depression. People don't understand what we go through, and what we need, what we don't need...etc. And I can say this, because I didn't understand my mother, I didn't know what she needed, I didn't know how to help her. Now looking back, I wished I could have done a lot of things differently.

          Look, it hurts. It hurts not getting it. It hurts not being able to understand. It hurts. But, there's nothing you can do to fix me. There's nothing you can do to make me happy. I know how hard and difficult it is to be friends with me, especially when I'm like this. I desperately want to make it easier for my friends, for those I love, and those who are there for me, but I can't. I can't even make it easier for myself. Right now, I can't help but to think is this going to be the deal breaker ? The deal breaker for the friendships I've worked hard on ? Like I've said in past pieces, I can't make people stay, and I won't ask them to stay. Sometimes it may be just too difficult. And if they're not able to be there for me, or if I'm not worth for them to keep fighting for, I understand.

          "Depression really does take a toll on friendships. But it helps weeding out people and seeing who sticks around." (An Interesting Quote I found)

Here are the links to some research I did, which can benefit those are struggling to love and care for someone who is suffering with Depression. (And yes, I do research before writing a blog piece, I like to know what I'm talking about. It's funny, how even when depressed, I still feel like using it as an educational moment to talk about Mental Health.) 

What Nobody Ever Tells You About How Depression Affects Your Friendships

Psych 101: When a close friend is depressed

10 things not to say to a depressed person
Why do people with depression push others away?
How to “Be There” for a Depressed Person
How to Help Someone with Depression
5 Things to Do When Someone You Love Experiences Depression

Waiting For Happiness...

          Why is it, that we're all just waiting to be happy ?

          

          I'm trying to be better, and trying to get help. I've booked a psychiatrist appointment, which is all the way in January. It's always that long process isn't it, making people feel even more hopeless. Yet I have to start now, I have to start somewhere. I can't wait for happiness anymore. All this waiting is just setting me up for another escape, I don't want to graduate high school feeling like I'm again escaping from a sad, dark chapter of my life. I want to leave this place, knowing that I can come back here, welcomed, loved, and cared. That I'll be safe, if or when I do choose to come back. 

          I've lost a lot of people along the way, and it's always because of my mental health. People give their everything to love, and to care for me. And when it gets rough, I isolate myself, losing the ability to communicate, and to reach out. They're disappointed, and they feel not wanted, and needed, so they leave, they're hurt. Yet, now I'm starting to understand my mother, who has always been struggling with depression, and she's always isolating herself, not letting me help her. I was just as concerned and frustrated. But now, I feel for her, I understand, that sometimes, it's just too difficult.

          The thing is, it's not fair. Depression isn't fair. It's not fair that we're not able to sustain a healthy relationship, that we isolate ourselves, making it so difficult for people to love and care. Yet it's also unfair to say that we deserve to be left alone, to be abandoned again, after we've already abandoned ourselves. People who leave us, who think that we need to first figure ourselves out before deserving their love, care, and attention, own the privilege to protect themselves. They hold the power to block the toxic, the harmful, the difficulties out of their life, choosing a lifestyle that we can't afford. See, this is my life. Having an alcoholic father, a depressed mother and suicidal brother, I am unable to afford such escape, such easy decision to protect myself. When you leave, because it's too hard for you to feel like you'e not helping me enough, that you don't deserve to feel hurt from trying to be there for us, it's a disappointment that's common, from the thought that we need to be fixed. We don't. Of course some people will not think that we're broken, that we need to be fixed. Yet, it's a lack of understanding and having compassion for mental health issues. People who are hurt, who are angry, of us isolating ourselves, of us not being able to feel happy, to feel calm, to communicate, to get better, are not realizing the constant struggle and hurting that we go through daily. They expect that we should be okay with the amount of love and care they have for us, that we should be better, that somehow they have the power to fill in the darkness within us. They don't understand why I still question if I'm loved, they don't understand why I still feel like I can't open up, to trust, to love, to communicate. They just don't get it. Sometimes they never will.

          I can't keep asking people to stay, because it's not fair. It's not fair to me, that I'll have to beg, for people to love, for people to show compassion, and for people to understand. I can no longer surround myself with people who don't care enough, who shows no sensitivity to my identity, who makes me feel unsafe. It's the same with happiness, I can't change people, and I can't wait for people, not anymore. 

Being Good Isn't Good Enough.

          Wow. It's almost unbelievable. I've been accepted into the Universities of Arts London: London College of Fashion. It's right here in front of me, an opportunity to study abroad in the United Kingdom, how fabulous ! I'm so happy, grateful, and touched by everyone's encouragements. Yet, it wasn't exactly what I wanted...

          The UAL organization, Universities of Arts London, has 6 Universities & Colleges in London, England under it's wing, each offering different educations relating to the Arts. 2 out of the 6, Central Saint Martins and London College of Fashion offers great Fashion programs which I've set my eyes on. Both are great, yet CSM is just a dream school, which many has said to be the best fashion institute in the world. LCF is wonderful as well, offering some programs in which CSM does not, Fashion Psychology, Fashion Communication, Footwear Design, Undergarments Specializations...etc. UAL came to Toronto to do a round of interviews in November and February, and they've recommend that the fashion applicants sign up for November just because of how competitive their programs are. Everything is a little rushed, and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety to pull a portfolio together. Now, the Arts schools under UAL are special, they are great programs with a certain standard level, and they require all international students and students that just came out of high school to study a predegree program (1 year long) before applying for their undergraduate degree programs. So the interview that I just had is not even for the actual degreed programs, yet the quality must be there.

          I've arrived, preparing myself for the worst, thinking that I may not be good enough, talented enough for Central Saint Martins, the school which ranks number 1 in the world, and produced the one and only, Alexander McQueen. They came and took my work from me, went in for about 15 minutes, came out to get me, sat me down... 

"So Fashion Design. Why ?" 

          I gave my answer as clear and passionately as possible.

"See, the problem is, most of what you have here are not fashion designs, they're just pretty fashion illustrations. Come, let's take a look.

There's not enough work, it's just sketches out of your head, not enough process, not enough design. How are you going to bring them to life ? Is that even possible ? I do like some of them, they're okay. The print works are fine. Your mixed media works are good, quite creative. Here, sit.

Now, CSM holds a certain standard, in which is not necessary better, but definitely more intense. With the works that you have now, you'll fail.

What I think will work for you, and for the best, is to offer you an acceptance into London College of Fashion's predegree course, not Central Saint Martin's. But, since I can see in your application that you're fairly passionate about CSM, why don't you come back in February with a new set of work, but we'll give you this offer for now, which I strongly suggest. Any questions ?"

          So now, I'm not that upset about the offer, since London College of Fashion is a good school after all, and I'll still be able to study abroad. But is this really good enough ? That was one of the most difficult 15 minutes of my life, they didn't give me time to think, talk, explain, or defend my art works. I've prepared to talk about my work, my inspirations, relating my photography, my sketches, my sculptures, and my paintings to fashion and how I would use it in my designs. But I guess there's no time for that, either I've got it or I don't. That's the fashion world.

          I'm definitely disappointed in myself, but I need to have hope as I'm given another chance. I'll take London College of Fashion for now, but I think I should come back in February to give Central Saint Martins another shot. Some people may settle, for LCF, ranking number 8 in the world for an education in fashion. (Which is completely reasonable.) But being good isn't good enough, or is it ? Will I settle this time and not try to push myself over the edge ? I don't know... For now, I just need to rest, I need to take a break, and celebrate for what I've accomplished. 

A Word About... Leadership.

          After OSLC, I started thinking about Leadership, and how we can all learn to be a better leader. I think that especially this year, I've put myself into a lot of leadership positions. I've definitely learned a lot, and I'm sure I'll continue to. And I of course don't think that I'm a "better" leader than anyone, I just think that I'm more critical of leadership values since it's a public service.

          I think that sometimes, in a lot of cases, leadership opportunities are not offered for everyone. OSLC costed like what, about $350 ? It was also extremely loud and crowded, you have to be squeezed into a room with 2000 other people. It was high energy 24/7, and it emphasized on fun. It's similarly to a lot of what high school's student councils trying to achieve, hype. We have spirit assemblies, rallies, events, just to boost up energy of the school. People screaming, dancing, singing...etc. Now, it's great, and it's fun. Yet I feel like we're almost focusing too much on this one side of leadership. I think that sometimes organizations tends to forget the other side of leadership, the more passive side.

          For me, leadership is about listening. Listening to what we need, what needs to be done, and how we can make a difference, and be better. It's about first knowing how to reflect on ourselves. These spirited assemblies, what's the purpose ? What about those students who aren't able to be "fun" ? There are students living with special needs, depression, anxiety...etc. Some are anti-social, and some may be bullied, whom doesn't feel like they can participate, or that they shouldn't get involved because no one cares. How are we suppose to help them feel more included ? More safe ? We need to listen. And maybe I'll get some backlash, but I find that a lot of leaders are leading for themselves. They want to have fun, they like this energy, this party-like environment. Yet, that's sometimes the last thing we need.  It was funny, while everyone else was all hyped-up in OSLC, I was busy taking notes from the speakers. Don't get me wrong, I love to have fun, yet I'm just more interested in learning. Also, not to mention the lack of minorities' representations in many leadership teams.

          Leadership, is not fun. It's not suppose to be fun. And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel joyful or enjoy what you're doing, no, but if you're having more fun than the people, there's a problem. Also, leadership isn't always successful. I think that most of the speakers in OSLC are successful in one way or the other. Which is fine, they've obviously worked their way there. Yet I personally would love to listen to a speaker that is still struggling yet kept fighting, that is maybe not successful in most society's eyes. That's inspiring. That's sometimes what we leaders need to listen to, that's what we need to learn.

OSLC 2016 !

          For those of you who don't know, I've just attended OSLC in Niagra Falls, Ontario Student Leadership Conference, it's Canada's longest and largest leadership conference. It was absolutely a pleasure to attend, yet it was a fuzzy mess just before I went as I was invited to an Equity & Inclusion Leadership Camp after my involvement with my school's LGBTQ+ Assembly. The two events conflicted, and I had to make a decision, and I chose OSLC.

          OSLC ran for 3 days, costed for about $350, and we had to bring our own money for some of the meals. The Equity & Inclusion Camp also ran for 3 days, costed $0, and all meals were provided. So why did I choose OSLC ? Because I don't take the easy way, I never do. Because of my role in the LGBTQ+ community, when they invited me to their camp, they made sure that I would room with the gender that I identify with, females. Yet, for OSLC, it was another fight. Finally, I did get to room with my girlfriends, and at the end everything was fine. The process was not fun though, and it was a little insensitive to me as a Transgender individual, but it's their first time really dealing with it, and I was clear to them that I will not let them make me room alone again. It took awhile, they were stressed, me and my roommates were stressed, but it's worth it. Now, they have a sense of how they should handle situations like this, and in the future, when another Transgender individual wishes to participate, they will be able to give them the best and correct experience as possible.

          Am I upset that I couldn't participate in the Equity & Inclusion Camp ? Of course, but OSLC was a life-changing experience as well. It had amazing speakers, thoughtful workshops, and an energy that was just so spirited and loud. It was truly a pleasure. I've learned so much, and had so much fun. I think that my path as an activist, as a leader really grew, starting from my decision to not take the easy road. Who knew ? Maybe I could've ended up rooming with boys again, and had a horrible time. It was a risk, and I threw my happiness into the pit and had to fight it back again. And again, I'm so happy that it worked out at the end. I'm so grateful for the changes and extra-work the school admins had to do/make, and my roommates standing by me, and being there for me.

          I had a magical time. Hearing some of the speakers' lessons and stories really touched me, and I've learned so much about how to be a better leader, not only for my community, but for myself as well. Also, it was at such a high level of energy for all 3 days ! I got tired after the first day, and I'm pretty sure my ear drums are very damaged right now. Still though, it was a lot of fun. We had a semi-formal dance, and I was in there, among the crowds, with my friends, just dancing. Despite being sweaty and gross, and that it was in the dark, with neon lazer beams everywhere so I don't even know why I bothered to put make-up on. I felt it. I know it's cheesy, but I feel so alive. I felt pain and tensions in my muscles, but I had to keep moving, keep dancing. I felt comfortable, happy, and excited in my body. I danced, I laughed, and I forgot about my troubling life. I thought to myself, wow. I've forgotten how simple and fun life could be. And that was it. 

          True leadership isn't always fun, sometimes uncomfortable even. It's learning to expose yourself, giving part of yourself to the world, to the public. "Love is something that the more you give, the more you get back."

Boys. Boys. Boys.

          I have been just too sad with my Blog pieces lately, let's talk about something light ! Something I haven't wrote about in awhile, Boys. It's not that I'm too sad to think about Boys, but honestly I haven't had a crush ever since I think the beginning of summer really. I think that I've just accepted that high school boys aren't worth it and that I need to focus on more important stuff, like working on myself, spending time with my friends, and being an activist.

          Do I want love ? Of course, and if there comes a chance to be in a relationship right now, I would take it. And I don't mean to criticize teenage boys, but I've yet to find a lot of them that's mature enough to really see me as a woman and respect my community. Can I date an anti-feminist ? No. Not after what I've been fighting for and everything I go through as a Transgender female. And that's one of my biggest fear, is to fall in love with someone that's scared. Someone who is ashamed of dating me, a girl with a dick. Someone who is not brave enough to fight alongside with me, who still needs time to grow and be educated. It'll be painful, and it's difficult to find a boy who will do that for us part of the community in high school. 

          Because of my choice in advocating myself for the community, I can't hide it. I hear stories of other transgender females going on dates not letting the others know about their past, and about their bodies. And let's be honest here, I don't think I'll be successful if I do that, I don't think I pass enough. It's scary, to like people, to fall in love with people as Trans individuals. People fail to see that, to understand that we'll always have to be more careful, more hesitant, and we'll always be feeling more vulnerable and insecure. Before we even get rejected, we'll already have felt that rejection, from society, from other men, from ourselves...

         Anyway, there's this boy I'm starting to find very attractive (both physically and personality wise). No biggie, just hope that it won't develop into another hopeless crush. Ugh. Feelings ! Wish I can just lock them up sometimes. Because chances are, nothing will happen anyway. Life's just... rough. Anyway yeah, that's all I guess, it's just Boys.

Sleepy.

          Sadness came faster than I thought. Well, it has never really left to be honest. The last two weeks have been a high for me, I'd give it a 6/10. That's a high you ask ? It really is. And I've tried my best to make it last, yet it's just draining. I'm tired, and I'm just... sleepy.

          I come home everyday, and I want to do absolutely nothing. I scroll through the internet, and then I tuck myself to sleep. I've been sleeping a lot, yet it just seems like it's not ever enough. I'm behind in school, and I'm having trouble focusing. I've realized that I'm losing passion, in those things that I use to love. I almost fall asleep every time in choir. And I'm beginning to lose creativity and motivation in visual art. This isn't right, this isn't healthy... I know. I need to get help, and my doctor's appointment is next week, hopefully I can survive until then. Yet it'll be a long process, I'll get referred to a therapist/psychologist, then I'll have to wait again. Healing takes time, I guess.

          What will I say ? "I'm not happy anymore."

          Well, have I been ever happy ? When was the last time I can say that I'm happy ?

          I can't remember. I'm tired. I'm sleepy.

          After 3 hours of napping, I still am sleepy. It doesn't make sense, I went to bed at a reasonable time last night. Why am I so tired, what am I tired of ? Life. Everything seems to be so pointless and I wonder if I'll ever be happy again.

          I'm lonely. People tell me that I'm not alone, my friends reassure me that they're there for me. Then why do I feel so lonely ? This isolation, this self-destruction. People don't understand. My friends said that they're hurt because they keep trying to reach out but I'm not responding. So it seems like this violence within myself is not only hurting myself, but hurting those who love me as well. But they're gone. People pulled away, people don't know how to help, people want me to get better first. It makes me angry, that people want me to get better first. It's like they only want friends whom they can have fun with. I need to be fixed, I need to fun, then I can hang out, then I can play, then I can be there. I get it, no one wants to have a bad time, so it makes sense that they wouldn't want me to ruin their days. Yet it's unfair that this isolation is all said to be my fault. Why is it, that I need to feel guilty for not being able to smile, to reach out, to hug, to make a joke, and to respond ? Why ? Sanity is a privilege. I want to be sane, I want to open up. Here I am, staring at my computer screen, wanting to cry, to scream, to at least open up to myself. Yet, I'm too tired. I don't even have the energy, I can barely breathe...

          My friends, and all others, none of them are here for me. They're all there, waiting. Waiting for me to get better, to be better. Waiting for me to be... happy.

          It's time to think about Universities and Colleges. And I've been preparing to apply to a few schools outside of the country. I want to leave. I've always wanted to leave. Sometimes leaving is easier you know. I've left Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia, and my Middle School here in Canada, I've always been the one to leave. Why ? Because it gives me a chance to start over, to be reborn, to be better. At least I've always seen it that way. Sometime during these 4 years of High School, I said to myself, I will leave again, I will go and chase my dreams, but I won't have to start over. I believed that I've found myself a safe place to finally blossom and grow, that I wouldn't need to leave everything and everyone behind again... 

          Was I wrong ? Did I fuck up again ?

A Word About... Trump.

          So... Donald Trump. I'm not that angry honestly, I'm really just sad. I'm just upset. I'm sad that people actually voted for him. That so many Americans actually chose to vote for him, despite his twisted views and ignorance towards social issues, and his hatred and misunderstandings toward minority groups...etc. And now, the reality is that, Donald Trump, actually won. He is, the president, of United States. (Even though that Hilary has more votes, the State's electoral system elected Trump)

          I want to stay positive, and I want to be hopeful. I keep telling myself, and praying, that maybe he'll change. Maybe he'll actually use this chance, this new power, to be better, to educate himself. Maybe he'll actually do a good job. Just maybe... Yet, I couldn't help but to remember that this feeling isn't completely new. I think that as minorities, we all have felt this way before. We all have wanted to stay hopeful, wanting to believe that a privileged yet ignorant person in our life will learn, will try to understand, and will be our ally. It is sad, that I still see men, white people...etc celebrating Trump's victory, commenting on how they're glad that he has won.

          Trump getting elected, proves the reality of our Misogynistic society. It is a reminder that Racism is still well and alive. It is also a perfect example of Rape Culture. I don't give two shits about how you don't like Hilary. I don't care if you think she's ugly, maybe she's not "real" enough for you. This is politics. Politicians have been known for being fake, having secrets and scandals. Her e-mails were checked by the FBI and confirmed to be nothing at all, what else do you need ? Honestly. Logically speaking, Trump is not in anyway a fit for such power. People don't understand that they have this disgust with Hilary because the fact that she's a woman. It can be subconscious, remember that internalized sexism is a thing. Trump's win is exactly the reason why I'm feminist.

          Now, we live in fear. My communities are scared. My communities are grieving. My communities are again feeling hopeless. And that's why we need to be even more united, loving, supportive, and strong. We need to fight. I'll keep fighting. People have said, that I'm "too much", I post "too much", I'm being too "aggressive". No. Don't you see, this is why I have to voice my rights, speak louder, and spread awareness. This is why. And if you don't understand that, then you're part of the problem too. How dare you. How dare you sit back, wanting to joke around and have fun when Gay people are being denied for their love ? When Trans people are being murdered ? When Men and Women are being sexually assaulted ? When Muslims, Latinos, Blacks...etc., are still being disrespected and discriminated against ? If you're white, if you're a man, and you think that you don't have to care, you're part of that oppressive system. It's selfish too, to be okay with such hate, just because it's not towards you. Seriously, stop. Take this chance, take Trump's victory, to wake up, and see how privileged you are, and learn. Be an ally. Like I'm sorry, you just aren't a good ally if you support Trump (I'll even doubt calling you an ally).

         It's sad, and many still need time to grieve. We all need a break, we are all so tired. We've fight for so much, and for so long. Yet, we can not lose hope, we can not give up. We have to stand taller, scream louder, shine brighter, and love even harder. I'm ready, I'm ready to love. Others can take their time, as it is such a difficult reality, especially if they live in America. But I'm ready. I'll embrace all the hate, all the ignorance, all the violence, and I want to turn them into my fuel, my source of power, to keep supporting my communities, and standing up for what's right.

Roller Coaster

          Things have been better, they really have.Yet, there's this feeling of anxiety, of the need to prepare myself, for the next low. That's the thing though, I feel like sometimes I can't even enjoy my happy moments in life because I'm just worrying and stressing about my next low. I wonder what will happen next, when will be my next suicidal thought, my next panic attack, my next, isolation.

          Life is a roller coaster, and while everyone else seems to be waiting for something, I am too. People are waiting for their next class, for a bus ride, for someone to call/text them back, for their big break, for a job interview, for their exam, for their flight, for their friends/family...etc, but here I am, waiting for my next wave of sadness. I'm trying my best to not write another super depressing blog piece, and really, nothing bad has happened in the past week. Honestly, life just sucks sometimes. I have an appointment with my family doctor, and I'll ask to be referred to a therapist. I'm scared, but I guess I really need it. I can no longer think that I'll be able to fix everything. Yes, I'm strong, but I'm still human, I'm still just a teenager.

          Let's say I get diagnosed with mental illnesses, to be honest I wouldn't be surprised. Well, I've lived with mentally unstable people my whole life, it's difficult to be not affected. And it's not their fault, I love my family, and I want nothing but happiness for them. Yet, I have nights, where I go to bed, wondering if I'll ever see them again. Do you know what that's like ? Can you even imagine it ? I've fallen asleep thinking and preparing myself to wake up to a dead body of my mother, or my brother... It's bizarre, and there's always a sense of relief every morning, to hear their voice, to see that they've woken up already. Of course, they're nasty towards me in the morning if I take a little long getting ready or that they're just in a bad mood. But I admit that there's just such a relief and joy to see them alive and "well" everyday. I wonder if they fear of losing me, I don't think so. Not because they don't love or care for me, but in reality, they are unable to handle my struggles and problems. I don't even think my brother knows about me having suicidal thoughts.They have already so much going on, they sometimes they do nothing but isolate themselves. Sounds familiar ? What a family, eh ?

          I have to get better, I have to be happy. Even writing that seems ridiculous. How long have I been writing that ? Seriously, am I right ? It seems totally unrealistic and hopeless right now, but I know that someday, someday I'll be able to laugh again. Like really laugh, really just be in the moment, and be happy. 

Just Breathe. Just Talk !

          I'm not sure if it was a good idea or not to share my mental health struggles on here, I don't think a lot of people expected that. I feel like people are having trouble knowing how to react, but I'm grateful for all the support and responses. And to be honest, I'm not sure what reactions I was expecting either. All I know is that I have to keep fighting, and keep blogging. At times I feel like I should stop being so sad with my blog pieces, because people will not want to read them anymore. I feel like I should be happy, and making people smile as they read my blog, and giving those hope if they're having a hard time. But no, this is my blog. It needs to stay true and authentic. It needs to be honest, and I have to keep blogging.

          Usually I isolate myself when I'm sad, but lately I've been in such a bad place I don't even want to write about it. The thing is, I know that this isolation is toxic, so I have to fight through it. I need to give the world a chance to understand me. I can not lose this last way of communication.

          So yeah, I've been going to Counselling every week now, and I'm looking into serious Therapy. It's a journey, but it's important. I really need to start taking care of myself.

          Sometimes, the most simple and basic thing, can be the most difficult and challenging thing. I struggle with breathing. Not like I have asthma or anything, but I feel very anxious with breathing. I sometimes focus on my thoughts so much that i forget to breathe. I also fear of others hearing or judging my breaths.
          What if I'm breathing too loud ? Can they hear me ? 
          Am I breathing too fast ? Is this normal ?
          I've not slept at all once at a sleepover just to make sure I can regulate my breathing. Is this weird ? I'm sure many can relate someway or the other. It must associate with some anxiety stuff. Anyway, the point is, I'm working on it. Communicating and connecting with one and other, friends, family...etc, is such a basic human tool, just like breathing. Yet sometimes it's the most difficult task for me. I get weirdly anxious about breathing and I obsess over it. I internalize my feelings and thoughts, isolating myself, and preventing myself to communicate with others. I'm working on it. I never want to let my past to stop me from creating healthy, loving relationships. And I'll never wish for others to pity me, or use my mental health and my past as an excuse for my actions. But really, I need people to understand how hard it is for me, and know that I'm trying. I will only stop trying, when the world gives up on me.

          Again, I know I'm not alone on this, but communication really scares me. I feel like I'm stripping myself naked, exposing my wounds, my scars, my secrets, and my insecurities...etc. I feel like I have to force myself to trust, and believe that I won't be rejected again. I'll have to convince myself that once I open up, I won't be abandoned. It's scary, and I'm really really not comfortable with opening up. I mean, I'm an open book here on the blog, but in the real life, I'm much much preserved for my thoughts and feelings. It's so much easier to write a blog, to be able to edit, and to set a theme, a topic. Yes, these are my raw emotions, but they're more reviewed, formed, and polished. It's different, I feel like I have more control over these thoughts and feelings.

          Just Breathe. Just Talk !
          No. I can't, but I'll try.
          I'll keep fighting, I promise.
          But please, tell me that I'm worth for you to fight for.
          Please make me believe that I'm not fighting alone...

LGBTQ+ History Month - Allyhood.

          Before October comes to an End, and before the world heads into Halloween Madness and start getting ready for Christmas. I want to share with you all, about the beginning of my journey as an Activist.

          On Friday, October 14th. I, as my high school's first ever LGBTQ+ Minister, organized and held our first ever LGBTQ+ History Month Assembly. It was an exciting, rewarding experience, and I'm just so grateful. I would not have done it without the help and support that I received from the school's admins/staff, students, and our student council Cabinet. It was perfect, it was time. I feel like I'm finally ready to be a serious activist and advocate for those in the community who may not get to have a voice. Again, not thinking that I'm some amazing legend or anything. But this is something I'm proud of, and I'm happy that I was given this opportunity to create change.

          We need a community, and we need to let others know that they're not alone. And creating such safe safe goes beyond my activism or the community's involvement. We need allies. We need support. We need people who are not part of the LGBTQ+ community to really listen and understand, and care. We need people to care. It drives me insane when people don't care enough, or just brushes social issues off of conversations. We need you to care, and to educate yourself on how you can help, why we as a community are fighting, and what we're fighting for.

          A great ally is more than just acceptance, it's about knowledge. And I have the pleasure of knowing a great ally in my own life. Hope that her words of comfort to me can inspire and let the world understand the importance of love and respect.

“I support you. I will support you. I owe my best friend my support and my fight. My best friend deserves someone to fight alongside her, to ease the burden of the world against her, to give her someone to lean on when everything she does results in negativity and backlash. How can I sit here as your best friend and not support you? How can I, sitting in my comfortable Cis-privileged chair complain about what I've been through, when you've been through and are going through so much more. How can I sit here and watch you constantly be attacked for your identity and for what you stand up for? How can I support you only when it is comfortable for me, in the safety of your home, but turn my back on you when you're suffering outside just because that it is uncomfortable for me? I will support and I will fight when the fight gets too hard for you. I can't say that I'll be perfect at it, and I can't say that I'll be able to get into it right away. I can't always see when things are happening. But I will try, and I will try my hardest. Because no one should have to face all of these problems on their own. No one should have to face all this discrimination and prejudice and adversity without a friend who will be there right alongside them. And maybe together we can make a difference, and together we can accomplish something amazing, and together we can free ourselves from the prejudice and finally be in genuine, respected peace. I just wish I could understand the adversity you go through, and have went through. I wish that I could be that trans or gay best friend that you need. I wish I could be that community for you. I wish that I could give you that empathy. The support and the unity is all I can do, but is the least I can do.”

- Abryna Bulford

I'm Drowning.

          This is a piece that I've been avoiding, a piece of truth, that's too heavy for me to keep on carrying. I've tried to hide this, swallowing the words deep into my core, yet it has only helped me to drown deeper, deeper into myself.

          I'm... just not happy anymore.

          I've pushed myself away, diving into the deep waters. Yet now, drowning, gasping for air at the bottom of the seafloor, with no one there to rescue me. There's not a search party, the lights are shut, they're trying to forget, they're trying to move on. They'll mourn for my passing, and soon enough they'll forget my existence. 

          I feel Sad. I feel Angry. I feel Jealous. I feel Annoyed. I feel Depressed. I feel Guilty. I feel Hatred. I feel Love. I feel Admiration. I feel Pity. I feel Lost. I feel Useless. I feel Violence. I feel Desperation. I feel Isolated. I feel Left-Out. I feel Lonely. I feel Unwanted. I feel Nothing. I feel Everything.

          I feel Everything but, Happy...

          What Happened to Us ? What Happened to Me ?

          Do You still love Me ?

          Please Don't Leave Me. I Need You.

          It's honestly just a matter of time if you analyze it, or even just think about it. How will I be able to be emotionally/mentally stable when I disconnect from all of those who support and love me ? If I've been completely fine and "normal" interacting with you in social situations, I'm sorry, we're not that close. You're my escape. You're a situation, a communication pathway, a spark of opportunity for me to escape from my feelings, my identity, my thoughts, my troubles, and my life in general.

          I catch myself starting to fear of the question: "How Are You ?"

          And I couldn't help but to take a big breath before saying "I'm Fine/Okay".

          I can't diagnose myself with anything. But I'm simply not happy. Also, I'm afraid to go to therapy because of the stigmas, and how weak I'll feel. I don't think having mental illnesses are weak. But I know that I'm too weak, that I'll rely on this therapy, this comfort, and this answer. I must not allow myself to relax, and rely on someone else. Once I lose that independence, I will lose my sense of control and balance. And when that support fails, I will fall, hard onto the ground...

          I can feel my friends disconnecting, losing faith, losing energy, engagement, and slowly giving up on me. It's not their fault, because really, how the hell is anyone able to make me feel loved and secure anymore ? How are they suppose to keep trying when nothing has helped me ? It's not their duty, it's not in their control. I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. Yet the truth is that, I have no idea how to reach out, and I have no stability to provide support at this stage of my life. So tell me, why would they stay ? Why would they want to keep loving me and comforting me when I'm not able to give back ? Friendship is not Charity. I'm an Orphan that's constantly searching for that unconditional support and love (mostly represented as a Parental Care), from people that are unable to give that to me. It's unfair to them, and loving me becomes tiring, almost a burden. Again, I'm sorry.

          I hate myself just so much, so much that I wish to hide myself, I want to isolate myself deeper and deeper into my thoughts. I'm so tired of life, that I wish to sleep eternally, I want to push myself into my bed sheets so far that I disappear. I love the world so much, so much that I feel guilty and sorry for my existence, I want and need to be better, be better for those whom will never understand the beauty that lies within me.

          I'm Sorry, but I just Don't Know if I can Promise to Get Better any longer...

(This piece is a cry for help, an update on my well-being, an explanation, an education, a confession...etc, I'm not sure what you'll take away from this piece. Just please understand that I want to be honest and authentic, and I try very hard to write about my reality on this Blog. So Thank You, for reading, understanding, respecting, and supporting. Also I apologize if some of the topics are sensitive or concerning. In no way is my goal to make any of the readers uncomfortable.)

A Word About... Pornography.

          Pornography in it's most basic, simple form, a Fantasy.

          Personally, I don't disagree with Porn, other Sexual Contents, or the people who use them. What I disagree with is how Pornography is sometimes used and how it's affecting people, especially men in certain cases. Pornography sets an expectation on not only sex, but your sexual partner as well. It holds an unrealistic beauty standards for both men and women, and it sets in a false fantasy for human sexuality.

          I have taken a long time now to actually finish this piece. I wanted to think, research, and actually ask around other people for their views on this subject. I think that Pornography is one of those things that 100% of us acknowledge, 80% of us use, yet only about 20% may dare to speak about it. Knowing that Porn can be nothing but a Fantasy, I, like a lot of other teenagers, have actually learned everything relating to sex through porn. Well, this just perfectly proves that we need to do a better job at educating students about sex and sexuality in schools.

          Again, I have nothing against Porn/People that use Porn, but I want you all to keep one thing in mind - Respect. How are we able to still use Porn yet not objectify men/women only as sexual objects ? How are we able to pursue into fetishes like BDSM and Rough Sex yet not get into the mindset of Violence equals to Rough Sex, or contribute to the Rape Culture within our society ? The porn industry, at it's nature, contributes to Rape Culture. Most heterosexual porn videos show the men in a dominant, and hyper-masculine role. What I've found interesting, is that most women/teenage girls I've talked to, do not rely on Porn to masturbate. Yet in contrast, most men in our society only use and rely on pornography to masturbate. I think that we need to encourage men and boys to maybe cut down their use on porn, and use their imagination. I feel like with our imagination, it can be less vulgar and more-romanticized, plus we can exercise to be more creative as well.

          I also couldn't help but to question a very important question:

          "When does it become an Addiction ?"

"Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (e.g., alcohol,cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping) that can be pleasurable but the continued use/act of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work, relationships, or health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others."

          According to a Psychological definition, Pornography becomes an addiction when it becomes compulsive and when it affects your life negatively. Also, you should experience issues with withdraw if unable to use Pornography. So if your use of Porn has influenced your to disrespect people, objectify people, or to think that sexual violence are okay, you may be addicted. Also if you unable to access porn causes you distress, anxiety, anger, impatience...etc., it may be a problem as well.

          To be honest, I think there's a big stigma around addiction that I feel is fairly unhelpful. (There's literally so many stigmas and stereotypes towards everything, why do we do this to ourselves !?) I personally will never ever and will always remind myself not to judge people with addictions. And no, they're not failing, they didn't fall into a dark path. They're just trying to figure out who they are and what they want. It's extremely easy to have an addiction, our brains do things sometimes to show us that we're missing something in our lives, or that we're just trying to avoid solving a situation. We're all scared, and helpless at times. Who wouldn't want that natural ecstasy, who wouldn't want that easy chemical reaction to relax our bodies and distract our minds ?

          We're all Human, and Sex is well, sex. Porn is not always Sex though, it's not Real. Maybe we sometimes turn to Porn because of our own fear and insecurities around Real Sex, maybe we're scared of that real Intimacy, that Connection. So maybe, we just created this fantasy so be lustful and surreal because we're afraid of the truth. The truth is that Sex is not hot, and that we go into it knowing nothing, all scared and anxious.

          Yet when the time comes, when it's time for the real deal - sex. We hope that we have someone who will embrace our bodies, who we are, and let us know that it is okay for us to be scared, anxious, or not as knowledgeable. And that's when sex becomes something more, something more special, something more than just sex.